How to Win Friends and Influence People Book Summary

Science of People Team November 26, 2024 41 min read

In This Article

Ever wonder why some people seem to effortlessly win everyone over while others struggle to make connections? In 1936, Dale Carnegie cracked the code with his...

Ever wonder why some people seem to effortlessly win everyone over while others struggle to make connections?

In 1936, Dale Carnegie cracked the code with his groundbreaking book How to Win Friends and Influence People. Despite being written nearly a century ago, the principles written in this book can be life-changing in both personal and professional relationships.

Whether you’re looking to advance your career, strengthen personal relationships, or become a more effective leader, let’s dive in together into the key lessons from Carnegie’s masterpiece and explore how to apply them today.

Part 1: Fundamental Techniques in Handling People

Principle 1: Don’t criticize, condemn or complain

“Under my coat is a weary heart, but a kind one—one that would do nobody any harm.” - “Two Gun” Crowley, written while police bullets pierced his hideout

Carnegie starts with a big truth: You can’t change people, so don’t try to criticize them.

Even criminals don’t see themselves as bad…

“Two Gun” Crowley: Claimed to have “a kind heart” while surrounded by police, despite having killed an officer
Al Capone: Saw himself as a public benefactor providing “lighter pleasures”
Dutch Schultz: Maintained he was helping the public until his death

Here’s the shocking truth: few inmates saw themselves as bad people—all had their own justifications. Here’s a great quote from the chapter:

“When dealing with people, let us remember we are not dealing with creatures of logic. We are dealing with creatures of emotion, creatures bristling with prejudices and motivated by pride and vanity.”

In other words, your critique will not change someone else’s behavior.

Key Lessons:

Criticism puts people on the defensive
Understanding is more productive than condemning
People learn better from encouragement
We all rationalize our own mistakes

Bottom Line: Don’t speak poorly of someone. Don’t try to critique someone. Avoid complaints, they don’t work and make you look bad.

Principle 2: Give honest and sincere appreciation

“I consider my ability to arouse enthusiasm among my people the greatest asset I possess, and the way to develop the best that is in a person is by appreciation and encouragement.” - Charles Schwab

Carnegie reveals a fundamental truth: there’s only one way to get anyone to do anything—they have to want to do it themselves. Force and threats only breed resentment.

What Drives Human Behavior:

Sigmund Freud: Everything we do comes from our sex drive and desire to be great
John Dewey: We have a deep, burning desire to feel important

Here are the 8 basic human desires:

Health and life preservation
Food and necessities
Sleep and rest
Money
Life in the hereafter
Sexual gratification
Children’s well-being
Feeling of importance

The desire for importance—often least fulfilled—shapes human behavior dramatically. Consider these contrasting examples:

Rockefeller built hospitals in China for recognition through giving
Dillinger announced his identity during robberies for recognition through taking

Another great example is Charles Schwab, who earned millions not from his steel expertise, but by understanding people’s need for importance. He:

Never criticized employees
Gave enthusiastic praise
Made everyone feel valued

Takeaways:

Most people spend 95% of their time thinking about themselves
Genuine appreciation differs from flattery
“Every man I meet is my superior in some way. In that, I learn from him.”
Transform relationships by making others feel genuinely important

My comments: This chapter definitely rings true—I found that the fastest way to get anyone to like you is by showing interest in them first! If you’re looking for more depth to this specific principle, I recommend reading our resource:

Master your People Skills

Create a Memorable PresenceCommunicate with ConfidenceAchieve Your Goals

Join People School

Have a question about the presentation or People School? Email Science of People support.

Principle 3: Arouse in the other person an eager want

“If there is any one secret of success, it lies in the ability to get the other person’s point of view and see things from that person’s angle as well as from your own.” - Henry Ford

Carnegie opens with a simple metaphor: when fishing, he baits his hook with worms (which fish prefer), not strawberries and cream (which he loves). The message?

To influence others, think in terms of their wants, not yours.

Here are some success stories:

The Hotel Negotiation:

Carnegie faced a 300% rent increase
Instead of arguing, he focused on how losing his business would hurt the hotel
Result: Increase reduced to 50%

The Banking Success:

Barbara Anderson needed a job in Phoenix
Wrote to banks about how she could help them grow
Result: 11 out of 12 banks responded positively

The Shell Station Transformation:

Mike Whidden wanted to improve an old station
Instead of pleading, showed the manager a successful modern station
Result: Manager voluntarily upgraded his station, benefiting both parties

Core Principles:

Create genuine win-win situations
“First, arouse in the other person an eager want” (Professor Overstreet)
Let people participate in developing solutions
People care more about their own wants than yours

Takeaways:

Ask yourself: “How can I make this person want to do it?”
Let others think it’s their idea instead of adopting it as your own
Don’t talk about benefits from your perspective—think from theirs

Part 2: Six Ways to Make People Like You

Principle 1: Become genuinely interested in other people

“You can make more friends in two months by becoming genuinely interested in other people than you can in two years by trying to get other people interested in you.”

Why is a dog often quoted as man’s best friend? They have unconditional interest and affection! It makes sense they don’t have to work for a living—it makes its living by giving nothing but love.

Similarly, all people seek love from others.

Key Insights:

People are primarily interested in themselves (proven by the New York Telephone Company study showing “I” used 3,900 times in 500 conversations)
True friendship cannot be built through self-promotion
All human failures spring from lack of interest in others (Alfred Adler)

Stories:

Howard Thurston, a famous magician, made $2 million and entertained 60 million people. His secret? He genuinely loved his audience. Before each show he said: “I love my audience”
Theodore Roosevelt remembered and greeted all White House servants by name, regardless of status. He even made personal calls to share simple observations with the staff
Edward Sykes kept a major account not through sales tactics, but by consistently showing interest in all store employees

Takeaways:

Remember and acknowledge birthdays. Carnegie asks people whose birthdays he forgot their opinion on if they believe birthdays affect personality. He then asks for their month and day and drills it in his head.
Be animated and show enthusiasm when greeting people. Use a tone of voice that radiates interest and enthusiasm.
Take genuine interest in others’ hobbies and concerns. But remember—it’s a two-way street of taking and receiving information.
Put yourself out to help others without expecting return

Principle 2: Smile

“A man without a smiling face must not open a shop.” - Ancient Chinese Proverb

Charles Schwab once claimed his smile was worth a million dollars—and he wasn’t exaggerating. A genuine smile, Schwab knew, was worth more than all the expensive clothes and jewelry in the world. It’s a simple truth that many of us forget in our daily rush.

Stories:

Dr. Stephen Sproul witnessed how a single baby’s smile transformed his waiting room from a tense, silent space into a warm, friendly environment where strangers became friends.
Robert Cryer won over a highly sought-after candidate simply because he smiled while talking on the phone, making his company stand out among larger businesses.
A grumpy New York stockbroker transformed his entire life by consciously smiling for one week, revolutionizing both his marriage and his business relationships.

Insights:

Actions speak louder than words—a smile says “I like you, you make me happy, I am glad to see you”
Even unseen smiles make a difference (proven by telephone companies’ “phone power” training)
A genuine smile is far more valuable than artificial status symbols
Professor McConnell’s research shows smiling people manage, teach, and sell more effectively

Takeaways:

Start each day with a smile in the mirror
Make sure your mental attitude is refined—cheerful, frank, and courageous.
Smile while talking on the phone—it comes through in your voice
Force yourself to smile when you don’t feel like it—the feeling will follow
Make smiling a conscious habit until it becomes natural

My comments: Smiling is definitely important, but did you know that there is a “fake” way to smile and a more genuine approach? Learn the differences to smiling here: Fake Smile Or Genuine Smile? Duchenne Smiles, Explained

Principle 3: Remember that a person’s name is to that person the sweetest and most important sound in any language

“The average person is more interested in his or her own name than in all the other names on earth put together.”

Jim Farley, who helped put Franklin D. Roosevelt in the White House, had an extraordinary ability—he could call 50,000 people by their first names. From humble beginnings as a brick worker to becoming the Postmaster General of the United States, Farley’s success stemmed largely from his incredible talent for remembering names.

Stories:

Andrew Carnegie, as a youth, discovered the power of names when he named rabbits after neighborhood children who helped feed them dandelions—a lesson he later used to build his steel empire
Carnegie won over his competitor George Pullman simply by suggesting their merged company be called the “Pullman Palace Car Company”
Karen Kirsech transformed her airline service by learning and using passengers’ names, earning devoted customers for TWA

Insights:

Forgetting or misspelling someone’s name can put you at a sharp disadvantage
Even seemingly “hard to pronounce” names deserve the effort to learn them correctly
People will strive to perpetuate their names at any cost (as evidenced by museum wings, university buildings, and church windows)

Takeaways:

Learn a person’s complete name as well as some facts about their life
Ask for the correct spelling of unusual names, especially if they are hard to pronounce
Repeat names several times during initial conversations
Write down names and study them if you’re a visual person, as Napoleon III did

My comments: I think this is so important I even created a video with tricks on how to remember someone’s name!

Principle 4: Be a good listener

“Many persons call a doctor when all they want is an audience.” - Reader’s Digest

Dale Carnegie discovered a powerful truth about conversation at a bridge party. When meeting a woman who had just returned from Africa, instead of talking about his own travels, he simply encouraged her to talk about her experiences. She spoke for 45 minutes straight and later praised Carnegie as a “fascinating conversationalist”—though he had barely said a word!

In fact, many people are like this. You don’t even have to be a good conversationalist or speak a lot of words—just a good listener and a good encourager.

Stories:

A skilled company representative turned an angry critic into an ally simply by listening to his complaints for three hours across multiple visits
Julian F. Detmer transformed an angry customer into a lifelong friend by listening patiently to his grievances and thanking him for bringing them to attention
Edward Bok, a poor immigrant with little formal education, rose to become a successful magazine editor by listening to and corresponding with famous people

Insights:

Everyone has problems. But most people are primarily interested in themselves and their own problems
A person’s toothache means more to them than a famine killing millions in China
Most people fail to make a favorable impression because they’re too focused on what they’ll say next
Even the most violent critics will often soften in the presence of a patient, sympathetic listener

My comments: Listening isn’t just nodding your head—in fact, there are 7 highly charismatic nonverbal gestures you can use to show you are listening. Read about them here: The 7 Most Charismatic Cues to Use While Listening

Principle 5: Talk in terms of the other person’s interests

“The royal road to a person’s heart is to talk about the things he or she treasures most.”

How do you find common interest with someone you have nothing in common with? Learn what interests them.

In fact, Theodore Roosevelt would stay up late the night before guests visited, reading about whatever subject interested them most. Whether speaking with cowboys, diplomats, or politicians, Roosevelt knew exactly how to engage them.

Stories:

Edward L. Chalif secured an all-expenses-paid European trip for five Boy Scouts by first showing genuine interest in his prospect’s prized possession—a framed million-dollar check
Henry G. Duvernoy finally won a hotel’s business after four years of failure when he discovered and engaged with the manager’s passion for the Hotel Greeters of America
Edward E. Harriman landed a twenty-year career by approaching R.J. Funkhouser with ideas for the businessman’s success rather than asking directly for a job

Insights:

True gentlemanly behavior means talking about what interests others, not yourself
The path to someone’s attention goes through their passions, hobbies, and other interests
Business success often comes from understanding others’ motivations

Principle 6: Make the other person feel important—and do it sincerely

“The deepest principle in human nature is the craving to be appreciated.” - William James

Carnegie was waiting at a post office, where he made a bored clerk’s day by sincerely complimenting his hair. This simple compliment tells us a truth about people: that everyone craves feeling important.

Stories:

A Connecticut attorney won over his wife’s aunt by showing genuine appreciation for her home and treasures—so much that she tried to give him her prized Packard car
Donald McMahon turned a brief landscaping consultation into an hour-long tour and a valuable puppy simply by showing sincere interest in the judge’s prize-winning dogs
James Adamson won a $90,000 contract and George Eastman’s friendship by genuinely admiring his office woodwork and listening to his life story, turning a five-minute meeting into a two-hour conversation and lunch invitation

Insights:

The desire to feel important is the deepest urge in human nature
This principle has been taught by every major philosopher from Confucius to Jesus
Almost everyone feels themselves superior to you in some way
Sincere appreciation without expecting anything in return creates lasting positive memories
Even the most successful people crave recognition and appreciation

Takeaways:

Obey the Golden Rule—give unto others what we would have others give unto us (and follow this all the time, everywhere)
Find something you can honestly admire about others, whether it’s the clothes they’re wearing or their sense of humor.
Use phrases that make others feel important: “I’m sorry to trouble you,” “Would you be so kind…”
Look for opportunities to make others feel valued

Remember: As Emerson said, “Every man I meet is my superior in some way. In that, I learn of him.”

Part 3: How to Win People to Your Way of Thinking

Principle 1: The only way to get the best of an argument is to avoid it

“You can’t win an argument. You can’t because if you lose it, you lose it; and if you win it, you lose it.”

Carnegie learned this truth painfully at a London dinner when he tried correcting a fellow guest about a Shakespeare quote. Carnegie knew he was right, but his friend quietly taught him that being right often comes at the cost of relationships.

Stories:

Pat O’Haire went from winning arguments and losing sales to becoming a star performer simply by agreeing with customers’ opinions about competing trucks
Frederick Parsons defused a hostile tax inspector not through debate but by showing sincere appreciation for the inspector’s expertise
Carnegie’s friend demonstrated true wisdom by choosing harmony over correctness at a festive dinner

Insights:

Most arguments leave both sides more convinced of their original positions
Even if you win an argument, it can create lasting resentment
Avoiding arguments prevents both immediate and long-term damage

Takeaways:

Welcome disagreement as a chance to learn
Don’t react. Question your first defensive reaction before you speak
Instead of engaging in an argument, look for points of agreement first
Thank others for their perspective
Give time for emotions to cool before acting

My comments: Even though it’s better to avoid arguments, conflict resolution (especially with argumentative people) is an essential skill. Read more about how to do that here: 9 Conflict Resolution Tips to Win An Argument Like a Jedi

Principle 2: Show respect for the other person’s opinions. Never say, “You’re wrong.”

“You can tell people they are wrong by a look or an intonation or a gesture just as eloquently as you can in words—and if you tell them they are wrong, do you make them want to agree with you? Never!”

Theodore Roosevelt, one of history’s most distinguished leaders, hoped to be right just 75% of the time. This begs the question: if someone of Roosevelt’s position doubted his judgment so often, how can any of us be confident enough to tell others they’re wrong?

The goal isn’t to be smarter than others, but to admit that you might be wrong even if you think you’re right.

Stories:

A young lawyer lost his case by telling a Justice he was wrong about admiralty law, learning that even the highest courts respond poorly to pointing out their flaws
Katherine Allred let management discover solutions themselves rather than telling them they were wrong and gained success in doing so
R.V. Crowley saved a massive order not by proving the inspector wrong about wood grades, but by asking curious questions and showing respect for his judgment

Insights:

Pride and self-respect are more precious to people than pure logic
Most people’s reasoning simply justifies their existing beliefs
Direct contradiction builds resistance rather than agreement
People’s opinions are very closely tied to their sense of self-worth

Takeaways:

When confronting someone, begin with “I may be wrong” rather than “You’re wrong”
Get down to examining the facts. Ask questions instead of making statements
Others can make mistakes, too! Let them discover their mistakes through open conversation
Give others room to change their minds gracefully (and don’t make a big deal about it)

Principle 3: If you are wrong, admit it quickly and emphatically

“If we know we are going to be rebuked anyhow, isn’t it far better to beat the other person to it and do it ourselves?”

Carnegie learned this principle firsthand in Forest Park with his unleashed dog Rex. When caught a second time by the same policeman, he immediately admitted his guilt without excuses, saying, “Officer, you’ve caught me red-handed. I’m guilty. I have no alibis, no excuses.”

The result? The officer, who had previously threatened punishment, now suggested ways for Rex to run freely where he “couldn’t see him.”

Stories:

Ferdinand Warren transformed a hostile art editor into a lunch companion by eagerly criticizing his own work before the editor could begin his attack
Bruce Harvey earned his boss’s respect by repeatedly accepting blame for an error, despite his superior’s attempts to blame others
A father admitted his wrongs to his estranged son, healing a family feud and meeting his grandchildren for the first time
After the catastrophic failure at Gettysburg, instead of blaming his commanders or circumstances, General Lee rode out alone to meet his defeated troops and said simply, “All this has been my fault. I and I alone have lost this battle.”

Insights:

Self-criticism is easier to hear than criticism from others
Quick admission of error disarms potential attackers
Enthusiastic acceptance of blame often minimizes the punishment
Defending mistakes multiplies their damage, so it’s better to admit guilt instead
True strength lies in admitting weakness

Takeaways:

It’s much easier to self-criticize than hear criticism from others, so blame yourself quickly before others point it out
Don’t admit your errors begrudgingly; admit them with enthusiasm
Rather than beating yourself up for it, what can you learn from the situation? Turn criticism into growth opportunities

Remember: As the old proverb says, “By fighting you never get enough, but by yielding you get more than you expected.”

Principle 4: Begin in a friendly way

“If you would win a man to your cause, first convince him that you are his sincere friend. Therein is a drop of honey that catches his heart.” - Abraham Lincoln

If you encounter someone angry, do you also respond in anger? If so, what would that accomplish? In 1915, when John D. Rockefeller Jr. faced Colorado’s bloodiest labor strike, he didn’t counter hatred with hatred.

Instead, he got to know them personally. He visited workers’ homes, met their families, and addressed them as friends. Through genuine warmth and friendship, he achieved what brute force could never accomplish—peaceful resolution.

Stories:

Robert F. Black transformed angry strikers into willing custodians by praising their peaceful approach and providing baseball equipment instead of threats
O.L. Straub secured a lower rent and free decorating from a notoriously difficult landlord through enthusiastic appreciation rather than complaints

Insights:

Friendliness begets friendliness, even in hostile situations
Force generates resistance; nagging and scolding others will only get them to disagree more
People change their minds through warmth, not logic

Takeaways:

Start conversations with sincere appreciation rather than anger
What can you both agree on? Make a list and focus on points of agreement before moving onto differences
Stop the nagging and complaints—replace demands with friendly requests instead
Use gentle tones and positive language rather than harsh tones and negative language
Don’t burn bridges—build them instead

Principle 5: Get the other person saying, “yes, yes” immediately

“Get a student to say ‘No’ at the beginning, or a customer, child, husband, or wife, and it takes the wisdom and the patience of angels to transform that bristling negative into an affirmative.”

What’s the word that people dislike the most? “No” might be one of the top contenders. Professor Overstreet revealed a profound psychological truth: once someone says “No,” their pride demands they remain consistent with that position. In fact, their whole body physically contracts when they say no.

But Socrates, on the other hand, mastered the art of gaining agreement through gentle questions that earned consistent “yes” responses.

Stories:

James Eberson turned a resistant customer into an enthusiastic trust account holder by reframing invasive questions into beneficial suggestions such as, “Wouldn’t you like to have the bank transfer it to your next of kin, who is entitled to it according to law?”
Joseph Allison transformed a failing thirteen-year sales effort into a $35,000 deal by leading his customer through easily agreeable facts
Eddie Snow’s experience shows how a clever salesman converted a “no” to rentals into a “yes” to purchase through a series of agreeable questions

Insights:

A “No” creates physical and psychological resistance
Each “Yes” moves a person closer to acceptance
Having trouble getting to that big yes? Start small before the big question.
People tend to stick with “no” due to pride and saving face
Questions work better than statements for gaining agreement

Takeaways:

Start small—begin with points of undeniable agreement like basic facts structured as questions or low-hanging fruit questions
Build momentum through more small agreements
Avoid spoonfeeding people. Let them reach your desired conclusions themselves
Frame suggestions in terms that both parties will benefit from

My comments: If you have a hard time asking the right “Yes” questions, try mixing in appropriate open-ended questions as well. Here’s a great list you might find helpful: How to Ask Open-Ended Questions (& The 150 Best to Ask)

Principle 6: Let the other person do a great deal of the talking

“Most people trying to win others to their way of thinking do too much talking themselves. Let the other people talk themselves out. They know more about their business and problems than you do.”

G.B.R., an automobile manufacturer representative, discovered the power of silence when laryngitis forced him to listen during the biggest sales presentation of his career.

Unable to speak above a whisper, he watched in amazement as company executives sold themselves on his product, resulting in a $1.6 million contract.

Stories:

Barbara Wilson repaired her relationship with her teenage daughter simply by asking “Why?” and truly listening to the answer for the first time
Charles Cubellis won a coveted job position by researching his interviewer’s history and letting him proudly recount his journey

Insights:

People prefer discussing their views to hearing yours
Most people’s problems actually solve themselves through talking
Trying to be more interesting? Don’t be. Success often comes from being interested rather than interesting

Takeaways:

Encourage others to share their stories! This works for interviews, making friends, and relationships alike.
Listen with patience, and hold back from interrupting with your own ideas until they are finished
Ask good follow-up questions that prompt deeper sharing
Show appreciation for others’ achievements
Resist the urge to one-up or top others’ stories with your own

Principle 7: Let the other person feel that the idea is his or hers

“Don’t you have much more faith in ideas that you discover for yourself than in ideas that are handed to you on a silver platter?”

When a discouraged sales team needed motivation, Adolph Seltz didn’t lecture them.

Instead, he asked what they expected from him, wrote their ideas on a blackboard, and then asked what he could expect from them. The result? Enthusiastic commitments and phenomenal sales increases—all because the team felt the solution was their own.

Stories:

Eugene Wesson transformed 150 failures into consistent success by asking his client to guide the designs instead of pushing his own ideas
Paul Davis let his wife and daughter discover for themselves the appeal of an East Coast historical tour, making it their choice rather than his suggestion
A manufacturer won a major hospital contract not by selling, but by asking the doctor to help improve their equipment. This made him feel like a collaborator rather than a customer

Insights:

People believe most deeply in their own ideas
Rather than commanding, try suggesting. Suggestions are often more powerful than commands
People like to own things. This pride extends to not only things but thoughts and decisions as well

Takeaways:

Present your ideas as suggestions, not finished solutions
Feel free to suggest, but let others modify and build on your proposals
Don’t make it yours—give credit freely for ideas
Make others feel like partners or collaborators in the process
Be a good leader by stepping back and letting others lead the way

As Colonel House discovered with President Wilson, the most powerful ideas are those that others think they originated themselves.

Principle 8: Try honestly to see things from the other person’s point of view

“Remember that other people may be totally wrong. But they don’t think so. Don’t condemn them. Any fool can do that. Try to understand them.”

Kenneth M. Goode observed that we are all deeply interested in our own affairs and only mildly concerned about others’. Yet success in human relationships depends entirely on seeing things from others’ viewpoints.

Stories:

Sam Douglas transformed his marriage’s evening tensions into shared joy simply by trying to understand why his wife enjoyed working in their yard
Carnegie himself learned that understanding young boys’ desire for adventure worked better than threats in preventing forest fires
Elizabeth Novak turned a threatening collection call into a flexible payment plan by empathizing with the collector’s daily struggles

Insights:

Everyone has reasons for their actions, even if we don’t see them
Condemning someone and ordering them with a tone of authority may work in the short-term, but will likely cause resentment and can even backfire
People’s behavior may not make sense from your own perspective, but it makes sense from their perspective

Takeaways:

Ask yourself, “How would I feel in their position?”
Pause before reacting to understand motivations
Don’t judge. Be curious.

As Dean Donham of Harvard Business School noted, “I would rather walk the sidewalk in front of a person’s office for two hours before an interview than step into that office without a perfectly clear idea of what I was going to say and what that person—from my knowledge of his or her interests and motives—was likely to answer.”

Principle 9: Be sympathetic with the other person’s ideas and desires

“Three-fourths of the people you will ever meet are hungering and thirsting for sympathy. Give it to them, and they will love you.”

Even if you wholeheartedly disagree with someone, or they are a toxic individual who complains frequently, one phrase Carnegie recommends to diffuse any situation is this: “I don’t blame you one iota for feeling as you do. If I were you I would undoubtedly feel just as you do.”

Carnegie learned this lesson when a woman attacked him for a geographical error about Louisa May Alcott’s home. Instead of fighting back, he called her with genuine sympathy for her pride in her hometown. The result? She transformed from an enemy into someone wanting to be his friend.

Stories:

Taft’s handling of a disappointed mother seeking her son’s appointment shows how sympathy can defuse even the most emotional situations
Jay Mangum won eight hours for repairs by sympathizing with a hotel manager’s concern for guest convenience

Insights:

People crave sympathy more than almost anything else—a child may even inflict a bruise on him or herself to receive it
Understanding one’s sympathy and self-pity transforms enemies into friends
True influence starts with emotional understanding

Takeaways:

If someone is angry, ask yourself, “Why?” Look for the emotional need behind the anger rather than the words or emotions they hold
Consider what others might be suffering or looking for sympathy for
Give people what they’re hungering for—true understanding

My comments: Sympathy or empathy (see the difference here) are important traits to learn for emotional intelligence growth. Want to reap further benefits? Read on: How to Improve Emotional Intelligence in 5 Steps

Principle 10: Appeal to the nobler motives

“A person usually has two reasons for doing a thing: one that sounds good and a real one.” - J. Pierpont Morgan

Even Jesse James, the notorious outlaw, saw himself as a hero helping farmers save their farms. The truth is we all want to see ourselves as good, fair, and honorable people—even if what we’re doing is considered morally unjust or downright cruel.

In order to change people, appeal to the nobler motives.

Stories:

Hamilton Farrell kept a departing tenant by appealing to his self-image as “a man of his word” rather than threatening legal action
James L. Thomas collected “uncollectible” debts and gained loyal customers by trusting in people’s innate desire to be fair and honest
Lord Northcliffe stopped a newspaper from publishing his photo not by demanding it, but by saying “My mother doesn’t like it”

Insights:

Everyone likes to think of themselves as fair and honorable
Trust in others’ integrity often creates trustworthy behavior
Most people want to live up to their best self-image

Takeaways:

Got a burning request for someone? Frame requests in terms of honor and fairness
Trust in people’s better nature rather than being skeptical
Focus on noble purposes rather than obligations.

Principle 11: Dramatize your ideas

“This is the day of dramatization. Merely stating a truth isn’t enough. The truth has to be made vivid, interesting, dramatic.”

When the Philadelphia Evening Bulletin faced damaging rumors about lacking news content, they didn’t just deny it—they dramatized their defense by publishing all one day’s news as a 307-page book.

This overboard demonstration silenced critics more effectively than any argument could have.

Stories:

Jim Yeamans sold modern cash registers by dramatically throwing pennies on the floor to show how outdated machines were losing money
Mary Catherine Wolf secured an urgent meeting with her busy boss through a creative form letter that dramatized her persistence
James Boynton transformed a failed statistical report into a successful pitch by dumping 32 competitor products on his client’s desk

Insights:

Visual or dramatic demonstrations often beat words alone
People often remember what they see more than what they hear
Showmanship can transform ordinary ideas into compelling ones

Takeaways:

Want to tell a more convincing argument? Use one of the above stories as an example to create your own visual demonstration
Create physical demonstrations of your points or use showmanship to reinforce ideas
Use creative props to illustrate your message

Principle 12: Throw down a challenge

“The way to get things done is to stimulate competition. I do not mean in a sordid, money-getting way, but in the desire to excel.” - Charles Schwab

When Schwab wanted to increase steel mill production, he didn’t lecture or threaten. He simply chalked a “6” on the floor—the day shift’s output. When the night shift saw that number, their desire to beat the day shift created organic competition.

The single number ultimately transformed his lowest-producing mill into his best, proving that the desire to excel is often the strongest motivator of all.

Stories:

Lewis E. Lawes became a legendary prison warden because Governor Al Smith knew how to appeal to his desire to prove himself “big” enough for a tough job
Theodore Roosevelt overcame his fears and stayed in the New York governor’s race when Senator Platt challenged his courage, altering American history

Insights:

People naturally desire to excel and are competitive by nature
Creating natural competition is often more effective than ordering results
People often rise to meet expectations, especially when those expectations are self-made
Aspiration often beats pressure

Takeaways:

Present tasks as opportunities to excel rather than obligations to be done
Create friendly competition between workers for maximum output
Appeal to people’s natural desire to prove themselves
Make achievements visible and measurable

As Harvey Firestone discovered, “it was the game itself” that motivated people, not just the pay.

Part 4: Be a Leader—How to Change People Without Giving Offense or Rousing Resentment

Principle 1: Begin with praise and honest appreciation

“Beginning with praise is like the dentist who begins his work with Novocain. The patient still gets a drilling, but the Novocain is pain-killing.”

Even “Silent Cal” Coolidge knew to compliment his secretary’s dress before suggesting she improve her punctuation. This timeless approach—starting with genuine appreciation before criticism—makes difficult messages easier to hear and accept.

Stories:

The future president saved a supporter’s enthusiasm while rejecting his speech by first praising it as “splendid” before suggesting a different approach
The president’s famous message to General Hooker began by acknowledging his bravery and skills before addressing serious concerns about his leadership
W.P. Gaw turned a crisis into a triumph by showing genuine interest in a subcontractor’s family history and factory before even mentioning the delayed delivery

Insights:

Praise softens resistance to criticism
Starting positive makes criticism constructive rather than hostile
Recognition before correction builds trust

Takeaways:

Praise first (but genuine praise only).
Start with acknowledging a person or team’s strengths before addressing weaknesses

Principle 2: Call attention to people’s mistakes indirectly

“Simply changing one three-letter word can often spell the difference between failure and success in changing people without giving offense or arousing resentment.”

What do you do when you catch someone red-handed? When Charles Schwab caught employees smoking beneath a “No Smoking” sign, he didn’t scold them. Instead, he gave each a cigar and asked them kindly to smoke outside.

Stories:

John Wanamaker corrected inattentive sales staff not through criticism, but by quietly serving their neglected customer himself
Marge Jacob got workers to clean their mess by praising them for a yard she had quietly cleaned herself, making them eager to maintain her good opinion

Insights:

Direct criticism often creates defensiveness and resentment
Correcting actions subtly helps people retain dignity
Showing by example is more powerful than command

Takeaways:

Replace “but” with “and” when giving feedback
Let actions demonstrate what words might preach
Create opportunities for self-correction. Avoud direct criticism if possible
Make improvement feel like a choice rather than an obligation

Principle 3: Talk about your own mistakes before criticizing the other person

“It isn’t nearly so difficult to listen to a recital of your faults if the person criticizing begins by humbly admitting that he, too, is far from impeccable.”

When Carnegie needed to correct his young secretary’s mistakes, he first reflected on his own faults at her age. His act of humility transformed what could have been a harsh criticism into shared understanding and growth.

Stories:

Engineer E.G. Dillistone improved his secretary’s spelling not by pointing out her errors, but by sharing his own struggles with difficult words
Prince von Bülow rescued himself from the Kaiser’s wrath by admitting his own ignorance of science while praising the monarch’s knowledge
Clarence Zerhusen prevented his son from smoking not through lectures, but by honestly sharing his own regrets about starting the bad habit

Insights:

Admitting mistakes is useful as it disarms defensiveness
Be vulnerable and share your weaknesses. Shared weaknesses creates connection
Having humility before criticism opens minds

Takeaways:

Start with your own failures before pointing out someone else’s
Don’t be afraid to share lessons from personal mistakes or admit that you have them (even if you haven’t corrected them yet)
Make others feel you’re on the same side by

Principle 4: Ask questions instead of giving direct orders

“Owen D. Young never said, ‘Do this or do that,’ or ‘Don’t do this or don’t do that.’ He would say, ‘You might consider this,’ or ‘Do you think that would work?’”

Sure, you’re “asking” for the same thing—but the end result from ordering vs. asking questions can be drastically different. From giving orders to asking questions, this principle helped Young lead effectively while preserving his employees’ sense of dignity and involvement in decisions.

Stories:

Ian Macdonald transformed an impossible deadline into a team triumph by asking his workers how they might handle it instead of demanding extra effort
Owen D. Young led his organization for three years without ever giving a direct order, using suggestions and questions instead

Insights:

Questions engage minds; orders engage resistance
People support what they help create
Suggestions preserve dignity

Takeaways:

Try turning your commands into questions
Frame directions as possibilities
Guide through curiosity rather than authority—how can you get someone to want to be involved instead of making them?

Principle 5: Let the other person save face

“I have no right to say or do anything that diminishes a man in his own eyes. What matters is not what I think of him, but what he thinks of himself.” - Antoine de Saint-Exupéry

When General Electric needed to remove Charles Steinmetz from department leadership, they didn’t fire or demote him—instead, they let someone else manage but also created a new title that honored him. By letting him save face, they kept both his dignity and his contributions.

Stories:

Marshall Granger dreaded having conversations in which he had to fire someone. Instead, he turned them into affirming farewells by highlighting employees’ achievements before letting them go
A boss supported his employee’s dignity when she admitted a major mistake. He turned potential humiliation into inspiration by supporting her this way

Insights:

Think emotions don’t matter? Pride is often more precious than position
Public humiliation creates lasting enemies that can last years or a lifetime
How you handle failures shapes future success

Takeaways:

Have bad news to deliver? Acknowledge their achievements when delivering bad news first—this can help you turn bad news conversations into sincere farewells
Encountered a setback? Focus on future potential instead of mistakes
Protect pride during corrections, and allow room for saving face

Principle 6: Praise the slightest improvement and praise every improvement. Be “hearty in your approbation and lavish in your praise.”

“Just as a sunflower turns its face to the sun, people respond to praise and wither under criticism.”

Pete Barlow, the animal trainer, knew to praise his dogs at the slightest improvement. Why don’t we also do this with people?

It turns out that praising progress rather than demanding perfection works even better with humans than animals—yet we often forget to use it!

Stories:

A poor mother’s constant encouragement transformed a discouraged boy into Enrico Caruso, the world’s greatest opera singer
John Ringelspaugh broke a cycle of family yelling by actively seeking opportunities to praise his children’s improvements
Keith Roper turned a struggling employee into a loyal worker by specifically praising his exceptional work rather than criticizing his attitude

Insights:

Specific praise beats general flattery
Small improvements lead to large changes
Praise motivates more than criticism

Takeaways:

Want to praise someone? Notice and name specific improvements. Avoid general flattery, which can appear insincere
Praise progress, even if mistakes are made—not just perfection
Be specific about what deserves praise
Encourage steps forward, however small

My comments: Ever feel like you want to praise someone, but don’t know what to say? Here’s a great article detailing how to give a genuine compliment and really mean it: How to Deal With Fake Compliments (And Give Genuine Ones!)

Principle 7: Give the other person a fine reputation to live up to

“What do you do when a person who has been a good worker begins to turn in shoddy work? You can fire him or her, but that really doesn’t solve anything.”

Henry Henke transformed a struggling mechanic’s performance not through threats or criticism, but by reminding him of his reputation for excellence. By giving Bill his old reputation to live up to, Henke inspired him to return to his previous high standards.

Stories:

A simple statement about “hidden treasures” transformed a burdened dishwasher into a confident, caring woman who “became a lady”
Mrs. Hopkins changed the school’s worst troublemaker into a model student by declaring him a “natural leader” on the very first day of school
Dr. Fitzhugh’s note praising his cleaning lady’s work and trusting her judgment led to exceptional results without any extra time spent

Insights:

People rise (or fall!) to meet our expectations
Give someone a good reputation and they’ll maintain that standard
Faith in others’ abilities inspires them to develop those abilities
Good or bad labels become self-fulfilling prophecies

Takeaways:

Constantly remind people of their past successes, no matter how many times they’ve failed
Label positive traits you want to encourage
Create good reputations in people worth living up to

Principle 8: Use encouragement. Make the fault seem easy to correct

“Tell your child, your spouse, or your employee that he or she is stupid or dumb at a certain thing… and you have destroyed almost every incentive to try to improve.”

There were two dance teachers. The first told her student he was “all wrong” and needed to start over—he ended up quitting. The second praised his “natural rhythm” and minimized his mistakes—he persevered and improved.

The great news is you can use encouragement whether someone is highly skilled or not.

Stories:

Clarence Jones transformed his “slow-learning” son into an honor student by breaking math into achievable steps and celebrating each small victory
Ely Culbertson became a world-famous bridge expert only after his wife convinced him he had a natural flair for the game
A forty-year-old man improved his dancing only when his teacher focused on his strengths rather than his weaknesses

Insights:

Progress thrives on encouragement
Small victories build confidence
Breaking down challenges makes them manageable
Faith in ability inspires improvement
Emphasis on difficulty paralyzes effort
Hope motivates more than criticism
Everyone responds to belief in their potential

Takeaways:

Break large tasks into smaller steps
Want someone to succeed? Celebrate incremental progress
Encourage others that they have natural abilities. Avoid discouragement.

Principle 9: Make the other person happy about doing the thing you suggest

“Always make the other person happy about doing the thing you suggest.”

When Colonel House had to tell William Jennings Bryan he wouldn’t be the peace emissary to Europe, he didn’t just deliver bad news—he made Bryan feel too important for the role. Even disappointing news can be delivered in a way that makes people feel valued!

Stories:

Woodrow Wilson invited McAdoo to his cabinet by suggesting McAdoo would be doing him a favor by accepting
Gunter Schmidt transformed a negligent employee into a responsible worker by giving her a title and authority over the task she had been avoiding
Dale Ferrier turned his son’s dreaded chore into an engaging challenge by creating a reward system that made the boy eager to be thorough

Insights:

People want to feel important in their roles—not just another employee or stranger
Authority and titles change attitudes
How you frame a request matters more than the request itself
Responsibility breeds accountability
Even unwanted tasks can become attractive with proper presentation

Takeaways:

Show how tasks benefit the doer. Having clear benefits are essential to motivation
Create meaningful titles and roles—use creativity to sound more important or special instead of generic or boring
Consider what motivates each individual—people respond differently if they’re invested

Now You Know How to Win Friends & Influence People!

Dale Carnegie’s book remains one of the most influential on human relationships and personal development. Though written in 1936, its principles continue to thrive in both personal and work settings!

Remember these takeaways:

Handle criticism carefully—start with praise, avoid direct confrontation, and let others save face
Listen more than you speak. People care most about their own interests and perspectives
Build genuine connections through remembering names, showing interest, and offering sincere appreciation
Let others feel ownership of ideas. Guide through questions rather than commands
Ask yourself “What would make them want to do this?” before making requests
Use encouragement and recognition to motivate others instead of criticism
Start with agreement and lead people gradually to your perspective through questions

Want to put these principles into action? Check out our article: The 7 Most Charismatic Cues to Use While Listening