12 Steps to Get Over a Friendship Breakup (Effectively!)

Going through a friendship breakup? Not sure how to work through the feelings of confusion and rejection? We have steps that can help you.

Picture this: You and your best friend have shared everything—late-night talks, inside jokes, life’s biggest wins and losses. Then, one day, it’s over. No dramatic fight, just silence. If this sounds familiar, you’re not alone, and these steps will guide you through the ache to a brighter tomorrow.

Losing a close friend can be as painful as a romantic breakup. It is possible to heal from the loss; as you work through the pain, you’ll become even stronger.

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Why Friendship Breakups Hurt More Than Romantic Ones

When most people think about heartbreak, they picture romantic relationships ending. But friendship breakups? They hit differently—and sometimes harder.

According to psychologist Marisa G. Franco, Ph.D., (source) author of Platonic: How the Science of Attachment Can Help You Make—and Keep—Friends, “Friendship breakups are just as painful as romantic breakups, but we don’t have the same rituals or language to process them.”

Here’s why friendship endings can sting so deeply:

We don’t see them coming. Unlike romantic relationships, where we monitor compatibility and often see warning signs, friendships tend to dissolve gradually. There’s rarely a “breakup talk” or clear ending point—just a slow fade that leaves you confused and hurt.

Society dismisses your pain. When you lose a romantic partner, people rally around you. They bring ice cream, validate your feelings, and give you space to grieve. But when a friendship ends? You’re often expected to just move on. Research shows (source) that social rejection activates the same neural pain pathways whether it’s romantic or platonic—your brain doesn’t distinguish.

You lose your support system. While romantic breakups hurt, you typically have friends to lean on. But when a close friend leaves? You’ve just lost one of the people who would normally help you through this kind of loss.

There’s no closure. As Professor Irene S. Levine (source), author of Best Friends Forever: Surviving a Breakup With Your Best Friend, explains: “Friendship breakups can be especially painful because they often happen without closure or explanation.”

The data backs this up: 68% of U.S. adults report they have ended a friendship, while 52% say someone has ended a friendship with them. In an era when 49% of Americans report having three or fewer close friends (up from 27% in 1990), each friendship loss hits harder than ever.

Grieving the Loss: Stages of Friendship Grief

Yes, you absolutely need to grieve a friendship. This isn’t dramatic—it’s healthy.

Friendship coach Danielle Bayard Jackson, author of Fighting for Our Friendships, emphasizes: “Give yourself space to grieve the loss. This is the most important place to start. Be honest with other people in your life about what you’re going through.”

Just like any significant loss, friendship breakups often follow grief stages:

Denial: “This is just a rough patch. We’ll figure it out.” You might keep texting them, hoping things will go back to normal.

Anger: “How could they do this to me? After everything we’ve been through!” You replay conversations, looking for where it went wrong.

Bargaining: “If I just apologize one more time…” or “Maybe if I give them space, they’ll come back.” You negotiate with yourself about ways to fix it.

Depression: The reality sinks in. You feel the weight of the loss, the empty space where your friend used to be.

Acceptance: You recognize the friendship has changed or ended, and while it hurts, you’re ready to move forward.

Here’s what’s important: You don’t move through these stages linearly. You might cycle through anger and acceptance in the same afternoon. That’s completely normal.

Research on social disconnection (source) shows that lack of social connection is associated with mortality risk comparable to smoking. This isn’t just emotional pain—it affects your physical health too.

Give yourself permission to feel whatever comes up. Friendship grief is real grief, and it deserves the same respect you’d give any other loss.

What Causes a Friendship Breakup?

We’ve all heard that friendships are like seasons: they come and go. Saying this sounds wise, yet it ignores how complicated friendships really are.

If you’ve gone through a friendship breakup, you know it hurts more than the inevitable passing of the seasons. You may feel broadsided by the loss, even if it has been culminating over months or even years. But why do friendships end? Some of the reasons include:

• Change of interests and values (moving, getting married, political views, religious views)
• Misunderstandings
• Breach of trust
• When one person feels unsupported
• Clashes with the partner of a friend
• Attraction to the partner of a friend
• Abusive behavior
• Different life stages (having kids, career changes, retirement)
• One person outgrowing the other
• Unbalanced effort in maintaining the relationship
• Toxic patterns that become unsustainable

Watch our video below to learn the secret to being a good friend and how to build friendships as an adult:

Signs It’s Time to End a Friendship

Not every friendship is meant to last forever—and that’s okay. Sometimes the healthiest choice is to let go.

Here are clear signs it may be time to walk away:

They repeatedly violate your boundaries. You’ve told them what hurts you, yet they keep doing it.

The relationship is one-sided. You’re always the one reaching out, planning, and investing emotional energy.

They drain you. After spending time together, you feel exhausted rather than energized.

They’re toxic to your growth. When you share good news, they minimize it. When you set goals, they discourage you.

Trust has been broken—repeatedly. Everyone makes mistakes, but a pattern of betrayal is different.

You’re walking on eggshells. You can’t be yourself around them anymore.

They refuse to acknowledge problems. You’ve tried to address issues, but they shut down or blame you.

As Jackson wisely notes: “We can’t measure our short-term friendships against people who have been together longer and think well they’re somehow more successful because it’s been 10 years.” Length doesn’t equal quality. A toxic ten-year friendship isn’t better than a healthy one-year friendship that naturally runs its course.

Step 1: Break or Breakup? Ask These Questions to Know for Sure

You may face self-doubt about moving on from your friend, so take time to determine whether this is the right decision. Sometimes, you can save a friendship by investing more in the relationship. But there has to be a balance between fighting for the people we care about and not tolerating harmful behavior.

Support your friend, but don’t let them treat you like a free counselor—or someone to take their hits.

You’re the only one who can decide to move on or remain in the friendship, but here are some questions to help you think clearly:

• Has there been a betrayal? If so, has my friend made any attempt to make it right?
• Is this just a misunderstanding?
• Have I taken steps to talk about how I feel with my friend?
• Is my friend toxic? Are they taking any steps to become a healthier person?
• Is my friend repeatedly hurting me even though I’ve talked to them about their behavior?
• Do I feel judged or belittled by my friend?
• Does my friend hold me back or help me become a better person?
• Is this disagreement something we can overcome, or will it only cause more harm in the long run?

If you’re at the stage where it’s time for a friendship breakup, keep reading for more steps to work through your feelings of hurt and confusion.

Step 2: Put Your Well-Being First – Why Walking Away Can Be a Win

Moving on from someone causing you mental and emotional harm is OK.

Go ahead and read that again.

Studies have shown that social relationships can either sabotage or support behavior change. And we’re not just talking about teens and peer pressure here! One study showed that a group of middle-aged Montana adults (source) whose friends hurt their physical health through social pressures around unhealthy behaviors.

The research found that while social ties can motivate positive change, they can also reinforce destructive patterns. Social circles sometimes actively discourage healthy behaviors—mocking someone for going to the gym, pressuring them to drink, or undermining their goals.

When you begin to experience personal growth, it can be frightening and even threatening to the people around you. Your personal growth and your friend’s inability to grow with you may have triggered the friendship breakup. If that’s the case, we applaud you for your bravery and the growth you are pursuing.

Prioritizing your mental health isn’t selfish—it’s essential. Research from the CDC (source) shows that about 11-12% of U.S. adults reported difficulty participating in social activities due to physical, mental, or emotional problems. Don’t let a toxic friendship add to that burden.

Special Note: A friendship breakup can be excruciating. If you were in a toxic relationship, you might also be recovering from attacks on your confidence and self-worth. If you’re struggling to cope, please seek professional help. We’ll discuss when to see a therapist later in this article.

Discover your friendship style! Take our quick People Skills Quiz and get personalized tips.

Step 3: Find Closure – Even If It’s Just on Paper

Many people express confusion about a friendship breakup, not understanding why it happened or feeling they never got to say what they needed to.

Talking to the person can be a healthy way to promote understanding, express how you were hurt, and even apologize. Remember, your goal isn’t to launch a personal attack on them. Make sure you can speak calmly and, if possible, wish them well at the end of the conversation.

If they aren’t open to talking, or it doesn’t feel appropriate or safe to you, try writing out what you’d like to say.

Expressing your thoughts on paper facilitates a better understanding of what happened. Even if you don’t understand “why,” expressing your emotions on paper can restore a sense of control over a situation where you may have felt helpless.

What blocks you from moving on?

• You felt silenced by the friendship and haven’t had a chance to express how you feel.
• You have experienced abandonment in the past, and losing this friend has brought up those feelings of abandonment.
• You’re still waiting for them to come back.
• You feel guilty, and you’re carrying the blame for the friendship ending.

What to do next:

• The betrayal has so many layers you don’t know how to unpack it.
• You have so much shared history that you struggle to get the needed space.
• Often, current pain is complicated because it connects to past pain.
• If you discover the connections to past pain, embrace this as an opportunity for growth.

Action Steps:

1. Get a piece of paper and write at the top, “What do I need to let go?”
2. Sit quietly and listen to your intuition to determine what may keep you from moving on.
3. If you aren’t sure, start writing and let your thoughts flow unhindered.
4. As you write, look for what blocks you from moving on.
5. Once you know what that is, explore what you need for resolution.
6. Healing happens in layers, so don’t be discouraged if you identify multiple things.
7. Choose one thing that resonates most strongly and work through that.
8. As time passes, continue to work through the areas of pain.

Healing takes time; it is a process. So be gentle with yourself. Permit yourself to heal, and don’t push yourself to move on before you are ready.

Step 4: Unlock Healing with Forgiveness (It’s Not What You Think)

Amazingly, forgiveness protects health (source) even in high-stress situations. One study tracked people over time and found that forgiving lowers stress. Another meta-analysis showed (source) that self-forgiveness is correlated with better physical and mental health. Forgiveness is about taking a step forward to healing and moving on.

What Forgiveness Is NOT:

• Weakness
• Trust
• Letting the other person get away with wrongdoing
• Restoration of a relationship
• Being in close contact with a person who abused you
• A denial of justice
• Saying what the other person did was OK or right

Forgiveness takes time and is more of a lifestyle than a one-off event. As you seek to move on from your friendship breakup, you won’t feel (or heal) all the feelings at once! Part of the pain of losing a friendship is you are losing the possibility for the future.

Someday you’ll hear your friend got married or had a baby. If you once pictured sharing those milestones, sideline watching stings. It’s important to forgive as new pain surfaces.

Action Steps:

1. Write a letter (that you don’t send).
2. Name the wrong(s) committed against you.
3. Express your desire to forgive, and state you are releasing them from your anger.
4. Express what forgiveness does not mean. (e.g., “Forgiving you doesn’t mean I am taking the blame for what you did.”)
5. Express what forgiveness means to you. (e.g., “Forgiving you means I am letting go of the anger, so I’m not emotionally or spiritually tied to you any longer.”)
6. If possible, wish them well.

Pro Tip: Some people find it therapeutic to burn the letter as a further act of releasing anger and bitterness. If you do, please burn the letter in a fire-safe container.

Step 5: Ditch the Guilt, Own Your Part – And Move Forward Freely

If you’re feeling guilty about how things ended or earlier situations in your friendship, it’s time to let go of that guilt.

At the same time, take responsibility for your actions and where you might have failed in the relationship. Taking responsibility is still important even if you’re only responsible for 5% of the negative.

Letting go of false guilt and owning your real mistakes may seem opposite, yet both set you free:

1. Letting go of false guilt helps you move on and sets you free from feeling tied to the other person.
2. Taking responsibility for your actions enables you to grow and become a better friend in future relationships.

Learn from what happened. Did you ignore red flags? Fail to communicate your needs? Enable unhealthy patterns? Own those lessons without drowning in shame. Growth comes from honest self-assessment, not self-punishment.

Step 6: Create Space to Breathe – Social Media Detox Included

To move on and find healing, you need distance. You may need to alter the places you go (at least temporarily). Remove them from your social media as well. The last thing you need is to see them popping up in your feed daily.

This isn’t petty—it’s protective. Watching their life continue without you while you’re still hurting only prolongs your pain.

If you have mutual friends or a shared community, getting distance becomes more complicated. Don’t pressure mutual friends to pick sides. If you need to withdraw from activities for a while, that’s fine. Initially, withdrawing can be healing, but don’t give up everything you love just to avoid awkward meetings between you and your former friend.

Pro Tip: Worried about what you’ll say to questions from mutual acquaintances? Plan a simple response, and be prepared to redirect the conversation if you don’t want to talk about it. A reply can be as simple as, “We aren’t close anymore.”

Given that time spent socially with friends in person fell by roughly 70% for U.S. youth ages 15-24 from 2003 to 2020, maintaining your remaining friendships is more important than ever. Don’t let one broken friendship isolate you from everyone else.

Step 7: It’s Okay to Grieve – How to Honor Your Feelings

A breakup is a feeling of rejection at the heart of a friendship. Whichever side you are on, there will be a sense that someone you were once so close to no longer values you as a person.

One study found that feelings of rejection are linked (source) to hurt feelings, loneliness, jealousy, guilt, shame, social anxiety, embarrassment, and often sadness and anger. These emotions affect your sense of relational value and self-esteem—making you question your worth.

Society expects you to experience these emotions when you suffer a loss or a romantic breakup. There isn’t always the same understanding for a friendship breakup. So if your social circle isn’t supportive of what you are going through, know we understand and validate your emotions.

You need to validate them as well.

Jackson’s advice bears repeating: “Give yourself space to grieve the loss. This is the most important place to start. Be honest with other people in your life about what you’re going through.”

Here’s what validation looks like:

• “This really hurts, and that’s okay.”
• “I’m allowed to be sad about losing this person.”
• “My feelings are real and deserve acknowledgment.”
• “I don’t need to minimize this pain or rush through it.”

Action Step: The emotions brought on by rejection erode your sense of self-worth. Take a few minutes to complete the activities in this guide on how to love yourself.

Step 8: Stop the ‘What Ifs’ – Rewire Your Thoughts for Good

If you were the person who walked away from the relationship, it’s normal to second-guess yourself.

The question is: why? What are you second-guessing? Either you are questioning it because:

1. You did your friend dirty, and you need to apologize.
2. You are taking responsibility for the other person.

If your answer is #1, the rest of this article isn’t for you. Make your phone call. If your answer is #2, keep reading.

Part of moving on from a friendship is recognizing your relationship has changed. It will be an adjustment to stop investing your emotions and energy in them. While you may always care for them and wish good for their life, you need to transition away from feeling responsible for their well-being.

You are not responsible for the life and decisions of your friend. Let go of the need to make sure they are OK.

Action Step: When you worry about your friend, it’s time to “Notice-Shift-Rewire.” (Note: This link requires manual verification—it may be blocked by CAPTCHA but works for human visitors) You can stop your toxic train of thought with this simple neuroscience technique:

• Notice: Notice your negative thinking.
• Shift to releasing and gratitude: Say or think, “I’m letting go of this. I am not responsible for ____. I am thankful for the time we were friends and wish them well.”
• Rewire: Spend at least 15 seconds thinking about what you are grateful for, shift away from thinking about your friend and think instead about the positives in your life. Over time, you will rewire your brain.

This technique leverages neuroplasticity—your brain’s ability to form new patterns. Each time you redirect your thoughts, you’re literally rewiring neural pathways.

Step 9: Break Free from the Pain – Don’t Let It Spill Over

We find it painful and upsetting to see a friend move on because, the truth is, we haven’t.

We want to believe we matter enough that they will experience the same amount of pain as we are experiencing. When they seem happy and unaffected, it can feel like we didn’t ever matter to them. Holding on to feelings of injustice may cause the friendship breakup to drag you down and spill over into other areas of your life.

So ironically, one of the keys to moving on is… moving on. Ultimately you’ll have to let go of the need to know they cared. Put the pain down. Drop the hopes you pinned on them. You’re not letting go of all the good things you shared. Instead, you are letting go of the need for them in your life.

There is life apart from this other person. While they may have shaped a part of who you are or been with you through difficult and painful times, you are still a person, and you can recover from this.

Warning signs the breakup is following you:

• You’re suspicious of new friends
• You bring up your ex-friend in unrelated conversations
• You compare every new friendship to the old one
• You’re cynical about people in general
• You’ve isolated yourself to avoid future hurt

If you recognize these patterns, it’s time to consciously shift your focus forward.

Step 10: Restore Your Trust in People (Starting with Yourself)

You may not notice this immediately, but over time, you may discover your friendship or the friendship breakup has impacted how you view others. Why is that? Even unspoken trust, once broken, can make you wary of new people.

Any time there is vulnerability and emotional intimacy, you enter into a relationship of trust. Whether that trust is intentional or not, it impacts your ability to trust others.

If you are hesitant to get close to new people or withhold and withdraw from other relationships, it could be because of your friendship breakup.

Actions Steps:

1. Go back to Step 4 to forgive them for breaking your trust.
2. Watch out for toxic people so you can protect yourself wisely.
3. Learn to trust yourself and your instincts about people.
4. Find new friends when you’re ready.

Rebuilding trust starts with trusting your own judgment. You survived this. You learned from it. You can identify red flags earlier now. That wisdom makes you stronger, not weaker.

Step 11: Nurture New Bonds – Be the Friend You Needed

As you move through the grieving process, there will come a time when it’s essential to begin making new friendships—intentionally investing in creating positive and healthy attachments.

Jackson warns against cynicism: “If you find yourself mentally beginning to go to that place of saying well I’ll just bypass all of that by just like not starting up any new friendships, I want you to be very careful about adopting that mindset.”

Don’t let one painful ending close you off to future connection.

As you’ve worked through the steps of moving on, you’ve likely identified some of your unhealthy behaviors. Take what you’ve learned from this last friendship to prepare you to be a better friend and to set good boundaries so you don’t accept harmful behavior from others.

Given that 15% of U.S. men reported having no close friends in 2021 (up from 3% in 1990), actively building new friendships isn’t just nice—it’s essential for your health and longevity.

Pro Tip: Avoid spending all your time and emotions on one person—that’s not healthy! Look around you, invest in other relationships you may have neglected in the past, and look for opportunities to make new friends.

Action Steps:

• Make a list of unhealthy qualities you would like to change.
• Choose one quality to work on and look for ways to grow in this area.
• Write down how you want friends to treat you.
• Choose 1-3 people you can invite to do something fun or get coffee this month.
• Be the kind of friend you wish you’d had during this difficult time.

Step 12: Rediscover Yourself – New Habits for a Bigger Life

Sometimes, friendships can cause a narrowing of personality. Whether they were actively holding you back or your friendship allowed you both to become complacent, now is the chance to recognize your potential and expand your horizons. Instead of constantly meditating on the things you did together, work to build new memories and experiences.

Pick 2-3 things from the list below that resonate with you and begin to build a bigger world for yourself!

Action Steps to Expand Your Mindset:

• Set aside all mental restraints and write down new goals. Then choose one plan to focus on.
• Identify one thing you can do monthly to learn a new skill or participate in a new activity.
• Ask for book recommendations from acquaintances who have different views than you so you can add books to your reading list that you wouldn’t usually read.
• Sign up for a newsletter from an opposing political view.
• Call or text to reconnect with an old friend.
• Make brownies and invite your neighbor over for a chat.
• Text an athletic friend and ask if they would be your gym buddy or go for a hike together.
• Message an acquaintance who loves culture and history and ask if they’d like to visit a museum with you.
• Ask your mom (or other trusted family member) what positive quality they feel you may have lost from your former friendship.
• Identify someone in your life who you notice has been feeling sad lately and find a way to brighten their day.

This is your chance to become more you—not the version shaped by one relationship, but the fullest expression of who you want to be.

When to Seek a Therapist for Friendship Loss

Sometimes, despite our best efforts, we need professional support to work through a friendship breakup. There’s no shame in that—in fact, recognizing when you need help is a sign of strength.

Consider therapy if:

• You’re experiencing symptoms of depression or anxiety that interfere with daily life
• You’ve been stuck in the grief process for months without improvement
• The friendship breakup has triggered past trauma or abandonment issues
• You’re struggling with trust issues that affect all your relationships
• You find yourself unable to form new friendships due to fear
• You’re having intrusive thoughts about the person or the situation
• Your self-esteem has taken a significant hit and won’t recover
• You’re turning to unhealthy coping mechanisms (substance use, isolation, etc.)

A therapist specializing in relationships or trauma can provide:

• Professional tools for processing grief
• Strategies to rebuild self-worth
• Help identifying unhealthy patterns
• Support in developing better boundaries
• Guidance in building new, healthier relationships

Remember, about 11-12% of adults report difficulty participating in social activities due to mental or emotional problems. You’re not alone, and professional help can accelerate your healing.

Ready to make new friends? Grab our free guide: ‘How to Make Friends as an Adult in 5 Easy Steps’—your roadmap to deeper connections.

How to Stop Obsessing Over a Lost Friendship FAQ

How do I deal with a friend’s breakup?

It’s not easy to deal with a friend breakup, so first distance yourself from them in person and on social media. Give yourself the freedom to work through the stages of grief, accepting that it will take time to heal. Validate your emotions, seek closure where possible, and don’t rush the process.

How can I move on from a friendship?

You have two options for moving on: Stay busy and invest in new relationships, or seek to gain closure from the friend you have distanced yourself from. You can move on by sharing with your friend how you feel. If they don’t listen, begin to work through your feelings of loss and hurt, offering forgiveness when ready. Invest in your future by becoming a healthier person and making connections with other people.

Why do friendships break up?

Often, friendships break up when there is a change in interests and values or when there has been a misunderstanding. Other common reasons include breach of trust, one-sided effort, toxic behavior, life stage differences, unresolved conflict, and personal growth that takes people in different directions.

What are the signs of a broken friendship?

A broken friendship may include a lack of trust, lack of communication, feeling disconnected, unresolved conflict, ongoing hurtful behavior, having nothing in common, and one person taking all the responsibility for the friendship. You may also feel drained rather than energized after interactions, or notice you’re walking on eggshells around them.

How do you get over a friendship breakup?

To get over a friendship breakup, follow these key steps: First, allow yourself to grieve—this is real loss. Create distance (including on social media) to protect your healing. Write out your feelings for closure, even if you don’t send it. Practice forgiveness (for them and yourself) to release emotional ties. Rebuild your self-worth through activities in ourguide on self-love. Finally, invest in positive relationships and new experiences to expand your world beyond this one friendship.

Is friendship breakup worse than romantic breakup?

Research shows friendship breakups activate the same neural pain pathways as romantic breakups—your brain doesn’t distinguish between types of social rejection. However, friendship breakups often lack the social support and closure rituals we have for romantic endings, which can make them feel more isolating. While not necessarily “worse,” they’re equally painful and deserve the same respect and healing time as any other significant loss.

How long does it take to get over a friendship breakup?

There’s no set timeline for healing from a friendship breakup—everyone’s journey is different. Generally, expect the acute pain to begin easing within a few weeks to a few months, but deeper healing may take six months to a year or longer, especially for very close or long-term friendships. Factors that affect healing time include: the closeness of the friendship, whether you have shared social circles, how the friendship ended, your attachment style, and whether you have other supportive relationships. Be patient with yourself and don’t compare your healing timeline to others’.

Key Takeaways: Heal from Friendship Loss and Move Forward

• Your pain is real. Friendship breakups hurt as much as romantic ones. Give yourself the space and time you need, just like you would with any other significant loss. Research confirms that social rejection activates the same pain pathways in your brain, regardless of relationship type.
• Grieve properly. Work through the stages of grief without rushing. It will get better, but don’t stuff your emotions. If you are struggling to work through this, reach out for support—whether from other friends, family, or a professional therapist.
• Release responsibility. Wish your friend well, and then let them go. You can’t move on from the loss if you continue to worry about them or get stuck trying to understand why it happened. Use the “Notice-Shift-Rewire” technique to break the cycle of rumination.
• Rebuild wisely. Invest in yourself and your future by focusing on your mental health and positive relationships. Learn from this experience to become a better friend and set healthier boundaries. Don’t let one painful ending close you off to future connection—that only compounds the loss.
• Expand your world. This is an opportunity to rediscover yourself and build a bigger life beyond one friendship. Try new activities, meet new people, and become the fullest version of yourself.

When you’re ready, you’ll want to make new friends. Learn How to Make Friends As An Adult In 5 Easy to Use Steps.