How to Make Friends as an Adult (Science-Backed Tips)

Learn how to make friends as an adult with research-backed strategies. Discover the friendship rules, conversation techniques, and steps to build lasting bonds.

I hit my social peak at five years old. Kindergarten was “da bomb.” I was double-booked for play dates, had three birthday parties on the same weekend, and ran a lunch rotation across three tables to maximize friend time. When the end-of-school bell rang, I would skip along the line of waiting mothers and high-five all of my friends as they pulled away.

And then… middle school. It went downhill from there.

I was waiting to board a plane at an airport the other day and overheard two little boys have this incredible interaction:

Hi, I like trucks.

I like trucks, too. This is my dinosaur.

Cool! Can I be your friend?

Yes! Let’s play with dinosaurs on trucks.

I wish I could walk up to someone nice, tell them something I liked, and then ask them to be my friend. If only it were that easy! Making friends as an adult gets much trickier. But the research is clear: friendship is a skill, not a talent. And like any skill, it can be learned.

Why Is It So Hard to Make Friends as an Adult?

Before jumping into the how, it helps to understand why adult friendship feels so much harder than it did in kindergarten. Sociologist Rebecca Adams at UNC Greensboro identified three conditions required for friendship to form: proximity, repeated unplanned interactions, and a setting that encourages vulnerability.¹ Adulthood systematically removes all three.

Here’s what’s working against you:

1. You meet fewer new people. No more new classes every semester, no infinite number of clubs, no summer camps. Your daily routine puts you in contact with the same small group.
2. Your priorities have shifted. As kids, priority number one is play. As adults, work, family responsibilities, and bills crowd out the unstructured social time where friendships naturally form.
3. The vulnerability barrier is real. Making a new friend requires emotional risk. Research shows that loneliness can make this harder, creating a cycle where isolation makes outreach feel more daunting.²

It’s also scary:

• You’re afraid of being rejected, so you don’t put yourself out there.
• You’re worried that someone might be secretly toxic, so you hold back.
• You’re worried about being taken advantage of, so you pull away.

But here’s what the research says about that fear: you’re almost certainly more liked than you think.

The Liking Gap: Why You’re Already More Likable Than You Believe

A landmark study by psychologist Erica Boothby at the Wharton School found that after conversations, people systematically underestimate how much the other person liked them and enjoyed talking to them.³ This “Liking Gap”:

• Persisted whether conversations lasted 2 minutes or 45 minutes
• Lasted for months among college roommates before closing
• Was especially strong in people who felt shy or socially anxious
• Was invisible to outside observers (third parties could clearly see both people liked each other)

That person you just talked to at the networking event? They almost certainly liked you more than you think. Don’t let your inner critic stop you from following up.

Action Step: The next time you have a good conversation with someone new, assume they enjoyed it as much as you did. Send a follow-up message within 24 hours. The research says you’re not being pushy — you’re being accurate.

People systematically underestimate how much others liked them after a conversation. Your inner critic is lying to you.

The Adult Friendship Crisis: Why This Matters More Than You Think

I believe that finding, building, and maintaining fulfilling friendships is one of the most important things we do in our lifetime. And the data backs that up.

In 1990, only about 3% of Americans said they had no close friends. By 2021, that number had quadrupled to roughly 12%.⁴ A Pew Research study found about 8% of Americans report having no close friends at all.⁵ And a 2024 Harvard study found that 21% of U.S. adults feel lonely, with 61% of lonely people citing insufficient close friendships as the reason.⁶

The health consequences are staggering. A meta-analysis by Julianne Holt-Lunstad at Brigham Young University found that chronic social isolation carries health risks comparable to smoking up to 15 cigarettes a day.⁷ Strong social connections boost survival odds by 50%.

In 2023, U.S. Surgeon General Vivek Murthy declared loneliness a public health crisis.⁸ Finding friends isn’t just nice — it’s a health imperative.

Think of Friendship Like Dating (Without the Heartbreak)

Here’s a different approach to making friends:

Friendship is the new romance.

We search for soulmates, so why not best friends? It’s totally acceptable to make a New Year’s resolution about finding the perfect romantic partner. But for some reason, it feels weird to say your goal is to find a best friend.

Let’s change that. I want you to court your companions. Build your buddy system. Meet your mates. Think about making friends like dating, but without heartbreak.

I feel incredibly blessed to have found the most amazing group of friends after many years of awkward searching. They love to dress up in crazy costumes, are willing to participate in my science experiments (usually), and put up with my weird antics.

We attempt to play soccer together:

(We have won only one game so far. #winnersatheart)

We have weird theme parties:

(Dress Like Your Heritage)

(Christmas Toga Party… because why not?!)

And we have adventures:

(My husband humored me by taking the only 2-person kayak because I was afraid to go alone)

Looking back, I realized we had gone through a courtship process of sorts. The process breaks down into clear stages:

• How to find the right kind of friends
• How to transition from acquaintance to close friend
• How to build solid, lasting friendships

Watch this video to learn how to be more sociable:

The Science of Making Friends as an Adult

Go through the following stages, just like you would court a new date. You’re going to court your new friends.

Stage 1: Friend-Matching

Let’s say you’re newly single and ready to mingle. What’s the first thing you do? Most people think about the kind of person they want to meet:

• Witty
• Outdoorsy
• Smart
• Stable job
• Family-oriented

Then you look at the list and think about where you might find this type of person. You either join the most relevant friendship app or join a local group or class. If you know who you’re looking for, it becomes easier to find them.

Go through these prompts:

• What kind of person do you love hanging out with?
• What made a childhood friendship so special?
• What kind of person fits well with your personality?
• What activities would you love to have a partner for?

Look at your answers and see if anyone you already know pops into your head. It could even be a distant relative, a friend of a friend, or a spouse of a colleague. If no one comes to mind, make a list of places, groups, clubs, classes, and social networks where you might meet this kind of person.

Pro Tip: British anthropologist Robin Dunbar’s research shows your brain can maintain about 150 meaningful relationships, structured in layers. Your inner circle holds roughly 5 people. Your close friends number about 15. You don’t need hundreds of friends. You need to strategically invest in the 5 to 15 people who matter most.

Stage 2: Social Sparking

This is the most important step for making adult friendships. Social sparking is how you test the waters — how you get to know someone to see if there’s chemistry, and how you protect yourself from rejection. Think of it as the friendship equivalent of showing interest, purely platonic.

Adults make two mistakes that get them stuck:

1. They go too fast. Just like in a romantic relationship, if you rush a friendship, you might end up close with the wrong person.
2. They never ask. This is just like having a crush on someone but never asking them out. Many adults think someone might be a good friend, but they never pursue it because they’re afraid of rejection.

Whether you already have someone in mind or you’re going to a few events to meet new people, here are three ways to spark:

• The Fun Spark: One of the easiest ways to test friendship compatibility is to see if you’re into the same things. Mention a concert you went to last month. Ask what they’re up to this weekend. Talk about your favorite sports team.

• The Values Spark: The best friends also provide emotional support. This is often where friends and best friends divide. I had a great friend who thought it was extravagant to spend money on travel. We got along in almost every other dimension, but I LOVE to travel. Every time I had a trip coming up, we would get into the same argument about it. You don’t have to have the same values, but you have to be able to understand your friend’s point of view and respect them for it.

• The Feeling Spark: As you’re interacting with a potential friend, tap into how they make you feel. Do you laugh with them? Do they make you feel excited? Intrigued? You want people who make you feel good. And it has to go both ways.

Action Step: At your next social event, try the Fun Spark with at least two people. Mention something you genuinely enjoy and watch their reaction. If their eyes light up, you’ve found a potential connection worth pursuing.

You don’t need hundreds of friends. You need to strategically invest in the 5 to 15 people who matter most.

Stage 3: Friend-Wooing

By this point, you have someone (or a few people) in your life who you think might make a great friend. You want to pursue them, go on some “dates,” and spend more time together.

Here’s a framework borrowed from weddings (with a twist). In the United States, some brides wear four unique items on their wedding day for luck: something old, something new, something borrowed — and something blue. I’ve adapted that last one to something true. Here are four easy ways to “ask someone out”:

• Something Old: Do you have an old favorite restaurant or movie? This is a great excuse to hang out. I was talking to a new potential friend about my favorite genuine Mexican restaurant in Portland. “Oh wow! I love Mexican food,” she said. Bingo: fun spark. Then it was easy to say, “Cool. I was planning to go on Friday. You free?”

• Something New: I became friends with my friend Stephanie because we both had been dying to try something new: dance classes. She’d heard about a cool Bollywood Dance class, and it was easy for me to ask if she wanted a partner in crime to try it out. We also tried cardio drumming and a cook-around-the-world night. Research backs this up: new activities stimulate dopamine production, which makes socializing more enjoyable and rewarding.⁹ Want to try something new? Bring it up and see if they’re interested in joining.

• Something Borrowed: Friends lend us ideas, books, clothes, suitcases, and time. Have a book you love? Offer to loan it. My friend Samantha was wearing the most beautiful shawl, and she so kindly said, “You must borrow it — I have two!” You can also borrow ideas. If you know something that might help someone, offer to teach them. I started a Spanish + vegetarian cooking club exactly this way — seven of us got together because we all were trying to practice our high school Spanish and learn to cook more vegetarian. It’s easy to make friends over a steaming tray of homemade tamales.

This approach also leverages the Benjamin Franklin Effect: when someone does you a favor, they tend to like you more afterward.¹⁰ Their brain resolves the conflict (“Why would I help someone I don’t like?”) by deciding they must like you.

• Something True: This is about vulnerability, the foundation of real closeness. You want fair-weather and foul-weather friends — those who are with you through the good times and the bad. At the beginning of the wooing process, it’s important to be honest. If you’re going through something, bring it up and see how they respond. I never will forget a time with my friend Lacy at the beginning of our friendship. I was having a momentary freak out about my wedding dress (I hear this is normal). I called Lacy in the middle of the day and asked her if she’d be willing to come with me while I tried it on one last time. She took the workday afternoon off, schlepped across town with me, and sat there being incredibly supportive as I made her examine it from every angle. Yes, it was the right dress. Yes, she is my best friend today.

Try one or all of these with a potential friend to get a “date” on the calendar.

Stage 4: The Friendship Time Investment

Now comes the serious part. You have someone you like and have been spending time with. You feel they have real potential. Now what?

According to a 2018 study by Professor Jeffrey Hall at the University of Kansas, it takes about 40 to 60 hours of time with someone to move from an acquaintance to a casual friend. To transition from a casual friend to a friend, it takes about 80 to 100 hours. And to become good or best friends, it takes about 200 hours or more.¹¹

Here’s a critical nuance: not all hours count equally. Time spent hanging out, joking around, and doing activities together builds closeness. Hours spent together at work or in a classroom count far less. To turn a coworker into a friend, you need to “switch contexts” — go to lunch, grab a drink, or do something outside the office.

Commit to spending more time together and see how you feel. Do they make you better? Do you look forward to the time? Try to log your 80 to 100 hours.

Over the next few weeks, go through more of the wooing steps and ask yourself these essential questions:

• Could you be locked in an elevator with this person?
• Are they genuinely happy for you when something good happens to you?
• Do you truly want the best for them, even if it isn’t convenient for you?

Toxic relationships happen when someone secretly has ill wishes for the other, or they have them for you. This happens a lot with “frenemies” or friends who don’t actually support you wholeheartedly. Red flags rarely tend to go away. However, unlike a romantic relationship, you don’t have to marry this person, so:

You can be different, but you have to love each other for your differences.

Watch this video to learn the seven types of toxic people:

Stage 5: Friend-Love

Congratulations! You’re in love.

This is the most amazing, fulfilling, mushy-gushy part of friendships. This is where investment really pays off — emotional investment, time investment, energy investment. Even the best romantic relationships require tune-ups and energy.

Here’s how you keep your friendships running on high:

• Keep Tabs: Know what’s going on in your friend’s life. Do they have a big work project? A sick parent? A busy week? Check in. My friend Ana-Lauren always texts me when I get home from my travels. My friend Stephen always texts me after speaking events. (How does he always remember?!) And my friend Lacy has a sixth sense for when I’m stressed. I try doing the same for the things that matter in their lives. Their success is my success, too.

• Support Their Wishes: What does your friend wish for? I love to ask my friends about their New Year’s Resolutions and birthday wishes. I want to help, but I also want to be emotionally supportive and provide accountability. Friends are your teammates and your supporters for life.

• Encourage Growth: Sometimes, friends have to deliver difficult news, call you on your lies, and challenge you to be better. My friend Margo is amazing at calling me out on stuff I need to change. She does this with so much love and advice that sometimes I mistake her rebukes for praise. True friends are willing to say the difficult thing if they know it’s right. We can debate and argue healthily with good friends, and that makes us better people together.

Pro Tip: Surgeon General Vivek Murthy recommends spending just 15 minutes each day reaching out to someone you care about.⁸ That’s one text, one phone call, one quick check-in.

Expand Your Circle

Once you’ve built some solid friendships, keep things dynamic. Host a small gathering, a coffee meet-up, or a quirky theme party — but rather than inviting the same people, invite a mix of friends from different parts of your life. You become the connector, the one who brings people together to see what friendships might emerge. Sometimes, friends who wouldn’t typically cross paths hit it off in surprising ways.

How to Evaluate and Improve Your Friendships

Think of your friendships like any relationship that deserves attention. The goal is to step back from toxic dynamics and cultivate relationships worth having.

• Friendship Diagnostics: Make a list of people you regularly see. Do they align with your core values? Or do they clash against you?

• The Compassionate Conversation: Once you’ve identified people who might not be a great fit, either learn to let go or address it directly with care. Example: Jess often cancels plans at the last minute. Approach her with, “Jess, when plans get cancelled last minute, it leaves me in a tough spot. Can we find a way to make our plans more reliable?”

• Double Down on What Works: Examine which friendships give you the best returns in joy and support. Plan more activities together to strengthen these bonds.

• Scout New Connections: If your social needs aren’t met, look for new friends who match your enthusiasm. Join a new class or group, whether it’s through Meetup, networking events, or simply starting conversations at places you frequent.

Small Talk and Self-Disclosure: The Friendship Toolkit

Many people dismiss small talk as shallow. The research says otherwise.

A study from the Wharton School found that brief conversations with strangers create brain synchrony that paves the way for deeper connection.¹² Other research shows that interactions with “weak ties” — acquaintances like baristas, neighbors, or fellow gym-goers — boost daily happiness and reduce feelings of isolation.¹³ And research from the University of Kansas found that just one quality conversation per day lowers stress and boosts well-being.¹⁴

How to do small talk well:

1. Ask follow-up questions. A Harvard Business School study found that people who ask follow-up questions are perceived as significantly more likable.¹⁵ Not generic openers like “How are you?” but specific follow-ups: “You mentioned you just got back from Italy — what was the highlight?”
2. Share something real. Go slightly deeper than surface-level. Instead of “What do you do?” try “What’s the most interesting thing you’re working on right now?”
3. Use the Context Switch. Jeffrey Hall’s research reveals that work or school hours barely count toward friendship building. The magic happens when you switch contexts. Invite a coworker to lunch, suggest a weekend hike with a classmate.

And when you’re ready to go deeper, lean into self-disclosure. Psychologist Arthur Aron’s famous “Fast Friends” study showed that strangers who answered 36 increasingly personal questions felt as close as lifelong friends after just 45 minutes.¹⁶ The science behind it: sharing personal information activates the brain’s reward center, the same system triggered by food or money. Vulnerability works through reciprocity — when you share something personal, the other person feels compelled to match it, creating an upward spiral of trust.

You don’t need 36 questions. Just go one level deeper than feels comfortable. Share a challenge you’re working through. The other person will almost always match your level of openness.

Sharing personal information activates the brain’s reward center — the same system triggered by food or money. Vulnerability is neurologically pleasurable.

Volunteering: The Friendship Shortcut

Volunteering is one of the most effective ways to build adult friendships because it naturally provides all three conditions Rebecca Adams identified for friendship formation:

• Proximity: You’re in the same place regularly
• Repeated unplanned interactions: You see the same people on a schedule
• Shared vulnerability: Working toward a common cause creates instant bonding

The “side-by-side” nature of volunteer work also reduces social pressure. The focus is on the task, not on performing socially. This Side-by-Side Principle (doing something together rather than sitting across from each other) is especially effective for people who feel self-conscious or introverted.

Action Step: Find one recurring volunteer opportunity in your area and commit to attending at least four sessions. The mere exposure effect means the more you see the same people, the more you’ll naturally like each other.

The Friendship Rules Everyone Is Asking About

Several “friendship rules” have gone viral online. Here’s what the research actually says about each one.

The 11-6-3 Rule of Friendship

This popular framework breaks down the path to a developing adult friendship:

• 11 interactions: You need roughly 11 face-to-face meetups or distinct conversations
• 3 hours each: Each encounter should ideally last about 3 hours to allow for meaningful conversation
• 6 months: These interactions must happen consistently over about 6 months

That adds up to roughly 33 hours of quality time — enough to move from acquaintance to casual friend based on Jeffrey Hall’s research. To reach best-friend territory (200+ hours), you’ll need to keep investing beyond the initial 11 meetups.

The 2-2-2 Rule for Friendships

Originally a romantic relationship maintenance strategy, many people now adapt it for close friendships:

• Every 2 weeks: A meaningful check-in (phone call, coffee date, or thoughtful text)
• Every 2 months: A longer hangout or outing together
• Every 2 years: A bigger shared experience (a trip, a retreat, or a milestone celebration)

This rule serves as a commitment to not let busy schedules cause drift.

The 7-Year Friend Rule

Research by Dutch sociologist Gerald Mollenhorst at Utrecht University found that people lose about half of their close social network every 7 years. Only about 30% of the people you consider close friends today will remain in your inner circle 7 years from now.

The upside: if a friendship survives past the 7-year mark, it’s likely to last a lifetime.

What to Do If You Have No Friends

If you’re reading this and thinking, “I genuinely have no friends right now,” know this: it says nothing about your character. Having few or no friends is driven by circumstances — relocation, life transitions, demanding work schedules, or simply not having the built-in social structures that school once provided. It’s a situational challenge, not a personality flaw, and it’s completely reversible.

Here’s a starting plan:

1. Start with one recurring activity. Pick something you’re genuinely interested in and commit to attending weekly for at least a month.
2. Lower the bar for “friendship.” You don’t need a best friend tomorrow. You need one person you enjoy talking to. Start there.
3. Use the 15-Minute Rule. Spend 15 minutes each day reaching out to someone. One text. One phone call. Small actions compound.
4. Be the initiator. Research on the Liking Gap shows people want to connect but assume others don’t. Someone has to go first. Let it be you.
5. Give it time. Remember: 40 to 60 hours to become a casual friend, 200+ hours for a best friend. That’s weeks or months of regular contact.

If loneliness is significantly affecting your daily life, please note that this content is not professional medical advice. Consult a doctor or licensed therapist for questions about your physical or mental health.

Having few friends says nothing about your character. It’s a situational challenge, not a personality flaw — and it’s completely reversible.

Friendship and Body Language

Don’t forget about the signals you’re sending without words. Your body language during conversations can make or break a budding friendship:

• Maintain eye contact and open gestures — it makes the other person feel truly heard and valued.
• Mirror their posture — subtle mirroring enhances connection and shows you’re in sync.
• Give genuine smiles (not fake ones) and triple nods — they communicate warmth more effectively than words.

How to Make Friends as an Adult: Your Action Plan

Those two boys at the airport knew something we forget as adults: friendship starts with showing up and saying what you like. The science just confirms it.

Here are your action steps:

1. Overcome the Liking Gap. Assume people liked talking to you more than you think. Follow up within 24 hours.
2. Use Social Sparking. Test compatibility through Fun Sparks (shared interests), Values Sparks (aligned priorities), and Feeling Sparks (how they make you feel).
3. Switch contexts. Move relationships out of the setting where you met. Invite a coworker to lunch. Suggest a weekend activity with a classmate.
4. Invest the hours. It takes 40 to 60 hours for a casual friend, 200+ for a best friend. Be patient and consistent.
5. Try the Side-by-Side Principle. Do activities together rather than just sitting across from each other.
6. Keep tabs on what matters. Check in on your friends’ big moments — their success is your success.
7. Spend 15 minutes a day on connection. One text, one call, one message. Make it a daily habit.

Want to take your people skills further? Check out my book Captivate for the science behind building magnetic relationships.