How to Deal With Regret: The Ultimate Guide to Move on From Regret

I regret hitting reply all on that email. I regret drinking too much that one night—you know the one I mean. I regret buying that stupid, overly-priced...

I regret hitting reply all on that email. I regret drinking too much that one night—you know the one I mean. I regret buying that stupid, overly-priced vacation package. I regret my college major. I regret getting that tattoo—just kidding. I stopped myself just in time. Any of those sound familiar?

Ah, regret; it’s a pesky beast. We asked people in our weekly Twitter poll https://twitter.com/vvanedwards “Do you have something you did not do in your life that you greatly regret missing out on?”

74% of people said yes, they did regret something they didn’t do. Three quarters of us feel the pain of regret and I know it’s brutal.

But here’s the good news: while regret is a universal human experience, it doesn’t have to control your life. This comprehensive, science-based guide will show you how to understand your regrets, learn from them, and use them as stepping stones to personal growth.

What is Regret?

Regret is an emotion that occurs when we believe our current situation could have been better if we had made different choices in the past.

It’s a complex feeling that combines sadness, anger, and self-blame about our decisions or missed opportunities. While sometimes painful, regret also serves as one of our most powerful tools for learning and growth.

When we experience regret, several things happen in our brain and body:

• Our stress hormones increase
• We experience physical symptoms like muscle tension
• Our sleep patterns may be disrupted
• We tend to ruminate on “what if” scenarios
• We may feel anxious about future decisions

Research https://psycnet.apa.org/record/2016-27105-006 shows that regret involves both cognitive and emotional components that work together in a fascinating way.

Cognitively https://www.nature.com/articles/nn1514, we compare our actual outcome with what might have been—our brain running complex simulations of alternate possibilities. Emotionally https://www.sciencedirect.com/science/article/pii/S1364661307000861?via%3Dihub, we feel disappointment, shame, or sadness about the difference between these realities, creating a powerful cocktail of feelings that can drive us to change.

The Science Behind Regret

Thomas Gilovich, the leading researcher on regret, conducted a groundbreaking study called “The Experience of Regret: What, When, Why.” His findings revealed something fascinating: while most of us experience regret, it doesn’t naturally fade over time without active processing. This discovery changed how psychologists understand the long-term impact of our choices.

In his research, Gilovich asked participants a crucial question: “When you look back on your experiences in life, what do you regret more, those things that you did but wish you hadn’t or those things that you didn’t do but wish you had?”

The results were illuminating:

• 54% regretted actions not taken
• 12% regretted actions they took
• 34% had regrets that didn’t fit either category

This connects to what psychologists call the Zeigarnik Effect: regrettable failures to act tend to be more memorable and enduring than regrettable actions. Why? Because when we don’t take action, we’re left with:

• Unrealized ambitions
• Unfulfilled intentions
• Incomplete goals
• Unspoken wishes

Want to know yourself more intimately? Check out our free science-based personality test:

Common Types of Regret

Let’s explore the most significant areas where regret tends to surface:

Educational Regrets

These often appear later in life when we realize the impact of our early educational choices:

• Not pursuing higher education
• Choosing the wrong field of study
• Not taking education more seriously
• Dropping out of school

Education-related regrets are particularly common because they often represent foundational life choices that can affect our entire career trajectory and earning potential.

Career Regrets

Professional regrets frequently center around playing it too safe or staying too long in unfulfilling situations:

• Not taking career risks
• Staying too long in an unfulfilling job
• Missing out on promotions
• Not starting a business

These regrets tend to intensify around mid-career, when people have enough experience to recognize missed opportunities but may feel it’s too late to make major changes.

Looking to avoid career regrets later in life? Check out our ultimate career guide: How to Succeed in Your Career

Relationship Regrets

Perhaps the most emotionally impactful category, relationship regrets often involve connections with others that can’t be easily repaired:

• Not expressing feelings to someone
• Ending relationships too quickly
• Not spending enough time with family
• Missing important moments with loved ones

Relationship regrets tend to be more intense and longer-lasting than other types, likely because they involve other people and can’t always be remedied even if we want to.

For tips on building and maintaining healthy relationships, read our guide: How to Build Lasting Relationships

Personal Development Regrets

These regrets often reflect the gap between who we are and who we could have become:

• Not developing talents or skills
• Not traveling more
• Not taking care of health earlier
• Not living authentically

Personal development regrets are unique because they speak directly to our sense of self and often involve long-term patterns rather than single decisions.

Confused about who you are or who you want to be? Master the art of personal development with our comprehensive article: 25 Personal Growth Tips to Transform Yourself and Life

Why We Experience Regret

Regret serves an important evolutionary purpose—think of it as your brain’s built-in learning system, carefully designed to help you make better choices and avoid repeating mistakes.

In fact, research shows that children who experience more regret tend to make better decisions and show greater delayed gratification.

When we experience regret, our brains engage in a sophisticated process that shapes our future behavior. Here’s how it works:

1. Record the negative outcome

In addition to noting what went wrong, your brain captures the entire context around the situation. When you send that angry email without thinking, your brain logs not just the result, but also your state of mind and the cascade of events that followed.

2. Analyze what went wrong

This is where your brain creates mental simulations of alternative scenarios. When you regret snapping at a friend, your brain runs through different possible responses you could have chosen. This analysis helps identify the gap between your actions and your ideal behavior.

3. Store this information for future reference

Your brain files this experience in what neuroscientists call your “emotional memory.” Unlike factual memories, emotional memories become deeply integrated into your decision-making processes. Each regret becomes an emotional bookmark that your brain can quickly access in similar situations.

4. Motivate us to make different choices

Finally, regret acts as your internal early warning system. That uncomfortable feeling you get when you’re about to make a familiar mistake? That’s your regret-based learning system in action, alerting you to potential missteps before they happen.

How to Deal with Regret

Let go. The most important way to deal with regret is to realize – and I mean TRULY realize – that you do not know what could have happened. We could guess what could have happened had you done something differently, but we truly do not know. You don’t know what you don’t know. It is possible that you made a better decision without realizing it.

Also, talk about this regret. The more you hold it in, the more potent it feels. Talk about it, try to laugh about it, bond over it and then let it go.

Behavioral Repair Work

As social beings, our deepest regrets often involve other people. That missed phone call to a grandparent who’s no longer with us. The friendship that faded because pride got in the way. These social regrets can feel like heavy weights we carry, but there are concrete steps we can take to address them.

First, make that call you’ve been putting off. We consistently overestimate how awkward reconnecting will be while underestimating how much it will be appreciated. That friend you’ve lost touch with? They’re probably thinking about you too. Here’s what you can do right now:

• Reach out with a simple “I’ve been thinking about you”
• Don’t wait for the perfect moment—there isn’t one
• Accept that responses may vary, but taking action is what matters

When it comes to having those hard conversations, timing matters less than intention. Whether you need to apologize for past behavior, express gratitude you’ve held back, or share feelings you’ve kept hidden, approach these conversations with honesty and openness. Remember, you can’t control how others will respond, but you can control your own actions and integrity.

Taking concrete action means going beyond words to show consistent behavior over time. If you’ve hurt someone, make amends through both words and actions. Create new positive memories to build upon. Instead of burning bridges, focus on building and maintaining them. The key is following through on your commitments, even when it’s difficult.

Live an Experimental Life

One of the most effective ways to prevent future regrets is adopting what I like to call an “experimental mindset.” Think of your life as a laboratory where each experience provides valuable data for your personal growth.

Start by deliberately trying new things. This doesn’t mean being reckless—rather, take calculated risks that push you just beyond your comfort zone. Maybe it’s signing up for that cooking class you’ve been eyeing, or finally learning to play guitar. Each new experience builds your resilience and expands your horizons. Ask yourself:

• What’s something I’ve always wanted to try but been afraid to start?
• Which skills would make my life richer or more fulfilling?
• What experiences would I regret not trying?

Documenting your journey adds another layer of meaning to your experiments. Keep a learning journal where you track not just what you do, but how it makes you feel and what you learn from each experience. Celebrate your wins, no matter how small—that first successful soufflé or those three chords you mastered.

When setbacks occur (and they will), treat them as valuable data points rather than failures.

Building new skills is a crucial part of living experimentally. Identify areas where you want to grow, then seek out resources to help you develop. This might mean taking classes, finding mentors, or simply practicing consistently.

Psychological Repair Work

The internal work of processing regret is just as important as external actions. Think of it as emotional strength training—it requires patience, dedication, and a willingness to look honestly at yourself.

Start by looking for silver linings in your experiences. Ask yourself these revealing questions:

• What have these experiences taught me about myself?
• How have they shaped my values and priorities?
• What wisdom have I gained that might help others?

Processing emotions around regret requires a delicate balance. Allow yourself to feel your feelings without getting stuck in them. Practice self-compassion when those feelings are difficult.

Notice when you’re falling into rumination—that cyclical thinking that keeps you stuck in the past—and gently redirect your thoughts to the present moment. Don’t hesitate to seek professional help if you find yourself struggling to process these emotions alone.

Finding meaning in our experiences is a uniquely human ability. Connect your experiences to your core values—what do your regrets tell you about what matters most to you?

Identify the lessons learned and consider how you can share these insights with others. Your story might be exactly what someone else needs to hear to avoid similar regrets.

Turn Regret into Growth

Transforming regret into personal growth is a skill that you can develop with practice. This transformation begins with acknowledging your feelings without judgment. Think of yourself as a compassionate observer of your own experience. Accept your feelings without harsh self-criticism, recognizing that making mistakes is part of being human.

The next step is extracting meaningful lessons from your experiences. Consider these questions deeply:

• What specific insights can you take from this situation?
• How would you handle similar situations differently now?
• What patterns do you notice in your choices?
• How can these insights inform your future decisions?

Finally, take purposeful action based on what you’ve learned. This might mean making significant changes in your life, developing new habits, or setting meaningful goals that align with your values.

Start small—pick one lesson you’ve learned and create a specific, achievable goal around it. Remember, movement forward, even small steps, is what transforms regret from a weight that holds you down into a foundation for personal growth.

Frequently Asked Questions (FAQs) About Dealing With Regret

How do I stop obsessing over past regrets?

Obsessing over past regrets often stems from an inability to accept what cannot be changed. Practice mindfulness techniques, focus on present actions, and consider therapy if regret becomes overwhelming. Research shows that people who practice mindfulness report lower levels of regret intensity.

Can regret be good for you?

Yes, regret can serve as a valuable learning tool. Studies indicate that people who experience and process regret effectively make better decisions in the future and show increased personal growth. The key is using regret as motivation rather than allowing it to paralyze you.

What’s the difference between regret and guilt?

While related, regret and guilt are distinct emotions. Regret focuses on personal choices and their outcomes, while guilt centers on moral transgressions and harm to others. Understanding this difference can help you process each emotion appropriately.

How long does regret typically last?

The duration of regret varies significantly based on the situation and how it’s processed. Research shows that regrets about inaction tend to last longer than regrets about actions taken, often persisting for years if not addressed.

Why do we feel regret more strongly about things we didn’t do?

According to research by Thomas Gilovich, we feel stronger regret about inaction because actions not taken leave us with unlimited “what if” scenarios. When we take action, we know the outcome, but paths not taken remain full of possibility, leading to more persistent regret.

What are the most common regrets people have?

Research identifies several common areas of regret. Education decisions, such as not pursuing further education or choosing the wrong field, rank highly. Career choices, particularly staying too long in unfulfilling jobs or not taking risks, are another major source. Relationship decisions, including not expressing feelings or ending relationships too quickly, often cause significant regret. Family-related regrets typically involve not spending enough time with loved ones. Self-development regrets commonly center around not developing talents or taking care of health earlier in life.

How can I prevent future regrets?

To minimize future regrets, make decisions based on your values rather than others’ expectations. Take calculated risks instead of always playing it safe. Express your feelings and maintain important relationships. Live authentically rather than trying to please others. Most importantly, take action on important goals instead of procrastinating.

Is it normal to regret major life decisions?

Yes, it’s completely normal to sometimes regret major life decisions. Research shows that up to 82% of people experience regret about major life choices at some point. The key is learning to process these feelings constructively rather than letting them control your life.

What’s the difference between healthy and unhealthy regret?

Healthy regret motivates positive change and learning, while unhealthy regret leads to rumination and paralysis. Healthy regret focuses on specific actions and leads to concrete steps for improvement. Unhealthy regret tends to be global (“my whole life is a mistake”) and leads to self-blame without action.

How do I know if my regret is affecting my mental health?

Regret may be impacting your mental health if you experience persistent sleep problems, difficulty concentrating, or constant rumination about past choices. Physical symptoms like headaches or stomach issues might appear. You might withdraw from social activities or find it hard to make new decisions. If you notice these signs, consider speaking with a mental health professional.

Can regret actually improve decision-making?

Yes, research shows that anticipating potential regret can lead to better decision-making. When people consider how they might regret their choices in the future, they tend to make more thoughtful, value-aligned decisions in the present. This anticipatory regret helps us avoid making choices we’re likely to regret later.

What’s the regret minimization framework?

The regret minimization framework, popularized by Amazon’s Jeff Bezos, involves making decisions based on what you’ll regret least when looking back at age 80. This approach helps prioritize long-term satisfaction over short-term comfort or convenience. It encourages considering the future impact of current choices rather than focusing solely on immediate benefits or drawbacks.

Moving Forward: Your Regret-Free Future

Experiencing regret is a fundamentally human experience.

Instead of trying to live without regret but to use it as a catalyst for positive change. By understanding your regrets, processing them healthily, and taking action to address them, you can transform these painful experiences into powerful tools for personal growth.Ready to take the next step in your emotional healing journey? Check out our guide on How to Get Over Someone After a Breakup And Finally Move On.