14 Ways to Get Your Confidence Back After a Hard Time

Science of People Team July 8, 2025 24 min read

In This Article

Lost your confidence after a hard time? Learn to master your inner critic and rebuild self-trust with these simple, science-backed steps for lasting change.

A setback, like a failed presentation or a tough breakup, can leave you feeling like a fraud. This isn’t a personal flaw; it’s your brain’s ancient survival software kicking in, obsessing over what went wrong. The good news is you’re not stuck!

This guide offers my most useful, science-backed, actionable ways to rebuild your confidence, from mastering tiny skills to setting healthy boundaries. It’s time to understand your brain’s programming and learn the tools to rewrite your story, one small step at a time.

Why Your Confidence Is Gone (And That’s Okay)

I’ve had moments that have sapped all my confidence. Maybe for you, it wasn’t a presentation. Maybe it was a tough breakup that made you question your worth, a layoff that shook your sense of stability, or a creative project that just… failed. Whatever the trigger, the result is the same: that feeling like your inner sparkle has been snuffed out, leaving you wondering if you’ll ever get it back.

If you’re feeling this way, the first thing you need to know is that you are not broken. In fact, your brain is working perfectly. We obsess over the one thing that went wrong because our brain is desperately trying to learn a lesson so it never happens again.

But here’s the good news: you are not a slave to that ancient wiring. Understanding what’s happening under the hood is the first, most powerful step. The rest of this article is about the tools—small, science-backed, and totally doable—that will help you fight back, rebuild your story, and find your sparkle again.

14 Actionable Steps to Rebuild Your Outer Confidence

The science is clear: when you adopt confident behaviors, your brain receives the message and your feelings of self-worth begin to catch up. Let’s dive into the how:

Master One Tiny, Teachable Skill

When your confidence takes a major hit, it can create this awful feeling that you’re not really good at anything.

One of the fastest ways to break that spell is to give your brain fresh, undeniable proof that you are capable. The secret is to think small. Don’t try to learn a whole new language; instead, learn one tiny, teachable skill:

Pick a tiny skill. I’m talking genuinely tiny. Not “learn to cook,” but “learn to make one killer marinara sauce from scratch.” Not “become a photographer,” but “learn what all the settings on your phone’s ‘pro’ camera mode actually do.” Other ideas: learn how to tie a bowline knot, perfectly poach an egg, or learn one really good card trick. Want more ideas? Read on: 120 Hobbies for Adults in 2025 (Your Ultimate Guide)
Master it. Watch a few YouTube videos. Practice it a couple of times this week.
Teach it. This is the magic step. Once you’ve got it down, teach it to a friend, your partner, your kid, or even AI. Having to explain the steps to someone else solidifies the skill in your own mind and serves as the ultimate proof of your competence.

Talk to Yourself Like a Friend (Not a Critic)

Imagine for a second that you just tried something new at work, and it didn’t quite work out. The presentation was clunky, the idea fell flat—you just bombed.

What’s the first voice you hear? If you’re many people, it’s probably that sharp, nasty inner critic. “Ugh, you idiot. Why did you even try that? Everyone thinks you’re a joke now.” It’s brutal in there sometimes.

Now, pause. Imagine your best friend calls you, totally devastated because they just went through the exact same experience. What do you say to them? You’d never say what your inner critic just told you. You’d say, “Oh my gosh, that sounds so tough! Hey, you were brave for even trying. I’m proud of you for putting yourself out there.”

See the difference? We offer our friends compassion, understanding, and encouragement, but we offer ourselves judgment.

This whole idea is the heart of the work by researcher Dr. Kristin Neff on self-compassion. It’s about giving yourself the same support you’d give to someone you care about.

Here’s how you can start practicing this today:

The next time you mess up or feel that wave of self-criticism, I want you to literally pause and ask yourself:

“What would I say to my best friend right now?”

Say that to yourself instead. It feels revolutionary. Sometimes, it even helps to say it out loud (or whisper it if you’re in public!).

Become a “Competence Collector”

Have you ever sat in a meeting feeling like a fraud? That little voice pipes up, whispering, “You don’t actually know what you’re doing, and any minute now, everyone’s going to figure it out.” That’s impostor syndrome, and it thrives on a vague feeling of being unskilled.

Instead, I want you to become a Competence Collector.

Think about it like collecting stamps or vinyl records. A collector finds joy in the search, the acquisition, and the growing collection itself. They aren’t trying to become the world’s #1 stamp expert; they just love the process of collecting. This mindset, what Stanford psychologist Carol Dweck calls a “Growth Mindset,” is built on the belief that your abilities can be developed.

When you become a Competence Collector, you start to see your skills not as a fixed list, but as a growing, thriving portfolio that you are actively curating.

Here’s how to start your collection today:

Create Your Collection List. Open a notebook or a new note on your phone. Make two columns: “Skills in My Collection” and “Skills I Want to Collect.”
Inventory Your Current Collection. In the first column, list everything you know how to do. Don’t be humble. Include everything from “makes a killer lasagna” and “can change a tire” to “speaks conversational Spanish” and “is a great listener.” You’ll be shocked at how much is already in your collection.
Build Your Wishlist. In the second column, brainstorm skills you’ve always been curious about. No judgment. Maybe it’s “learn to use Photoshop’s clone tool,” “figure out how to invest in an index fund,” or “learn to bake sourdough bread.”
Schedule Your “Collecting” Time. Pick one item from your wishlist and dedicate one hour this week to it (P.S. you can learn why the 10,000 hour myth is a lie). Put it in your calendar. This is your dedicated time to hunt for a new piece for your collection. When you feel you’ve “got” it, ceremoniously move it to the first column.

Unfollow Your Confidence Vampires

Okay, can we talk about that weird, hollow feeling you sometimes get after 20 minutes of scrolling? I used to get it all the time. I’d see someone’s hyper-curated trip to Bali or their perfectly behaved golden retriever, and suddenly my own perfectly good Tuesday would feel a little… gray.

I got so curious about why this happens. It turns out our brains are basically running on ancient software—a program called Social Comparison Theory (source) that has us constantly measuring ourselves against others. This totally made sense for survival back in the day, but now it means we’re comparing our messy, beautiful, real life to someone else’s filtered highlight reel!

And that’s where the Confidence Vampires come in. These are the accounts that consistently siphon off your good vibes and leave you feeling like you’re not quite enough.

So I want you to try a little experiment that was a total game-changer for me. Open up your go-to social app (and if you’re not on social media, great! You can skip this step) and as you scroll, just quietly ask yourself one thing:

“Does this make me feel expansive or smaller?”**

Expansive is feeling energized, inspired, or just amused. Smaller is that familiar, hollow feeling. If you feel yourself shrink, even a tiny bit, hit mute or unfollow. Think of it less like an aggressive unfollow and more like a gentle one. Your job isn’t to judge, just to decide who gets to be on the guest list today.

Practice “Mental High-Fives”

One of the best ways to fight back with a harsh inner voice is a consistent dose of self-acknowledgment. That’s the “Mental High-Five.”

Give yourself a small, silent celebration for doing something right. And I mean anything.

Finished that one dreaded task on your to-do list? Mental high-five.
Remembered to drink a glass of water? Heck yeah, high-five.
Held a boundary or spoke up for yourself? That’s an epic, slow-motion high-five.

I know, I know. It sounds cheesy, and you will feel a little ridiculous the first few times you do it. Lean into it. The point isn’t to boost your ego, but to create a new neural pathway, training your brain to catch you being awesome.

Start today. The next time you do anything you’re proud of, no matter how small, pause for a second and give yourself that little internal cheer. You’re starting the process of becoming your own biggest fan.

Outsource a Task You Dread

I have a confession to make: for weeks, I was locked in a recurring battle with a bookshelf from IKEA. The instructions looked like ancient hieroglyphs, I was always left with three “extra” screws, and the finished product would wobble menacingly. Every time, I’d end up feeling completely incompetent, and the wonky bookshelf would stand in my living room as a monument to my failure.

We all have that one task. That thing that lives on our to-do list for weeks, draining our energy every time we think about it. It might be deep-cleaning the bathroom, organizing your tax receipts, or something like my IKEA nemesis.

Every ounce of energy you spend dreading that task is energy you can’t spend on things you’re actually good at.

So, I want you to make a CEO-level decision. Identify your single most dreaded task and, just for this week, outsource it.

Hate mowing the lawn? Pay a neighborhood kid.
Does editing your resume make you want to scream? Find a grammar-savvy friend and trade them for a skill you have.
Terrified by the thought of assembling that new desk? There are app services like TaskRabbit for that.

I’m not saying you need to hire a full-time staff. But spending a small amount of money or trading a favor to buy back your time and eliminate a source of dread is one of the best investments you can make in your confidence.

Give a “Low-Stakes” Compliment

When your confidence is in the gutter, it’s easy to get trapped in your own head. You walk into a room and your mind starts racing: “Am I being weird? Do they like me? What do I do with my hands?”

The fastest way to break that loop is to flip your focus from internal to external. And the easiest way to do that is to give someone a compliment.

Here’s the fascinating science behind why this works. First, by searching for something positive in someone else, you force your brain to stop scanning for your own flaws. Second, there’s a wild psychological phenomenon called Spontaneous Trait Transference (source). It basically means that when you say something kind about another person, the listener unconsciously associates that positive trait with you.

So here is your simple, super-achievable goal:

Give one person a low-stakes compliment. The key is to comment on something they chose, not their innate appearance. For example:

To the barista: “Hey, I love your glasses. They’re really cool.”
To a colleague: “That was a great point you made in the meeting.”
To the person at the checkout: “That’s a beautiful scarf.”

That’s it. You’re not trying to start a long conversation. You are simply practicing the act of spreading a little positive energy. Sometimes the quickest way to feel good is to make someone else feel good first.

Pro Tip: Want to further level up the way you give compliments? Check out:

Name Your Negative Voice

You know that voice. The one that pops up right when you’re about to try something new, whispering all the ways you could fail. It’s that gloomy, dramatic, uninvited guest in your head that sounds suspiciously like a disappointed teacher and a film noir detective all rolled into one.

For years, I thought I had to fight that voice, wrestle it into submission. But here’s a secret I learned that changed everything: you can’t destroy the voice, but you can take away its power.

Pick a name for your inner critic, and make it something slightly ridiculous. My friend calls hers “Brenda.” I’ve also heard of a “Bobo,” a “Gertrude,” and my personal favorite, “Sir Reginald von Killjoy.” The point is to pick a name that doesn’t sound threatening or powerful.

Once you have the name, you have a new way to respond.

The next time your brain starts its doom-spiral with, “Everyone is going to think your idea is stupid,” I want you to mentally take a step back, take a breath, and say:

“Ah, Brenda. Thanks for the input, but I’ve got this handled.”

Or maybe, “Classic Bobo, always so dramatic.”

Why does this work? You are separating yourself from the thought. It’s no longer you thinking you’re going to fail; it’s just Brenda being her usual, grumpy self.

Start a “What Was Good?” Journal

Have you ever had a pretty good day, but the second your head hits the pillow, your brain decides to replay the one awkward thing you said in a meeting? That one clumsy moment can somehow overshadow ten other perfectly fine moments, leaving you feeling like the whole day was a bust.

The act of physically writing something GOOD down makes it more concrete in your mind. Over time, this practice actually reshapes your attention; you start automatically looking for good things to write down later.

Here’s how to make this a dead-simple, two-minute ritual:

Grab a tool. This can be a cheap notebook, the notes app on your phone, or the back of an envelope. Please, please do not let “finding the perfect journal or pen” be a reason to procrastinate.
Set a time. Just before bed is perfect.
Answer one prompt: What are three things that were good today?

That’s it. We’re looking for small wins here! Sure, you can write things that went amazingly well. But our goal is to train our mind to find good in the mundane, small things here.

Maybe it looks like:

The sun was out during my lunch break.
My boss actually laughed at my joke.
I resisted the urge to hit snooze a third time.

The real magic happens over time. After a few weeks, you’ll have a library of your own personal wins. On a day when you feel like nothing is going your way, you can literally flip back through the pages and show your anxious brain cold, hard evidence that your life is filled with good moments.

Become the Watcher of Your Thoughts

Mindfulness is a word thrown around lightly these days, but it’s really about learning to step back and become the calm, curious “Watcher” of your own mind. You learn that you are not your thoughts and you can observe them. Gradually, thoughts start losing their power, you start identifying less with them, and life becomes a lot more calmer.

Special Note: This step goes deep, and requires both effort and time. Don’t expect instant results—although that could happen!

Here are a few resources to get you started:

Find Your Joyful Movement

For many of us, the word “exercise” is loaded with dread.

But what if we reframed it? What if the goal of moving your body wasn’t to burn calories or hit a new record, but simply to feel good?

When you move, your brain releases an incredible cocktail of chemicals—endorphins, dopamine, serotonin—that act as natural anti-anxiety and mood-boosting agents.

Beyond the brain chemistry, there’s the simple, powerful feeling of competence. The feeling of holding a yoga pose, lifting a heavy box with ease, or simply feeling strong on a walk sends a primal signal to your brain: I am capable.

The secret is to stop forcing yourself to do exercise you hate and start exploring movement you actually enjoy.

Here’s how to start your search for “joyful movement”:

Think like a kid. What did you love to do before you learned to call it a “workout”? Did you ride your bike for hours? Dance around your room to your favorite songs? Go swimming? Hula hoop? Start there. Your childhood often holds the key to what your body naturally loves to do.
Go on a few “dates.” You don’t have to commit to anything. Treat it like dating. Try a beginner’s Latin dance class on YouTube for 15 minutes. Go for a hike on a new trail. Find a local climbing gym and try their intro session. The only goal is to ask yourself afterward: “Did that feel even a little bit joyful?”
Lower the bar to the floor. Forget the one-hour workout. Your only goal today is to put on one great song and just move (not even dance if you don’t want to) around your living room for the full three minutes. That’s it. That is a complete and total win!

Practice a Graceful No at Least Once a Week

You know that feeling. A coworker asks if you can take on one more little thing, or a friend asks for a favor on a night when you’re already feeling completely drained. Your entire being is screaming, “Noooo, I have no time, no energy, NO!”… and what comes out of your mouth?

A weak, slightly resentful, “Sure, I can help with that.”

Oops.

Your mission is to practice one “Graceful No” this week. Here’s a simple script to make it feel less scary:

Acknowledge and Affirm. Start with something positive.
- “Thanks so much for thinking of me.”
- “I appreciate you asking me for help with this.”
State the Clear “No.” Be kind, but don’t leave room for negotiation. Avoid a long, rambling excuse.
- “Unfortunately, I won’t be able to.”
- “My plate is too full to give that the attention it deserves.”
- “That’s not going to work for me right now.”
(Optional) End with Goodwill.
- “I really hope it goes well!”
- “I’ll be cheering for you from the sidelines.”

Design a “Non-Negotiable” Morning Ritual

A morning ritual is your way of calming the ground first. It’s about making a conscious decision to give the first moments of the day to yourself, not to the demands of the world.

Having a set ritual eliminates decision fatigue, preserving your precious mental energy. It shifts your locus of control from external (letting your inbox dictate your mood) to internal (choosing your own state of mind).

Your mission is to design a 15-minute, non-negotiable ritual. The #1 rule is simple but powerful: No phone for the first 15 minutes of your day.

From there, build your own routine by picking 2 or 3 options from the menu below:

Hydrate Your Brain: Before coffee, before anything, drink a full glass of water. It’s a simple, instant win.
Do a 5-Minute “Joyful Move”: Don’t think “workout.” Just put on one of your favorite songs and dance around the kitchen. Do some gentle stretching. The goal is to wake up your body.
Practice 3 Minutes of Mindfulness: Sit in a chair and just focus on your breath. Notice the air moving in and out. That’s it. (Remember the “Become the Watcher” tip above?)
Read One Page of Something Inspiring: Not the news. Not your phone. Keep a book on your nightstand that makes you feel good and read just one page.
Do a “Future High-Five”: Write down ONE thing you want to accomplish today. Just one. This focuses your mind on a single, achievable goal.

Here’s what a couple of sample rituals could look like:

The Energizer (10 mins): Drink a glass of water while your coffee brews, dance to one full song, and think of one thing you’re looking forward to today.
The Grounder (15 mins): Sit up in bed and drink your water. Do a 10-minute mindfulness practice. Then, write down three things that went right yesterday in your “What Went Right?” journal.

Write Letters to Your Future, Confident Self

When you’re feeling really low, it can be almost impossible to imagine a future where you feel strong and happy again. That future version of you feels like a completely different person, a stranger you might never get to meet.

But what if you could start building a relationship with that future self right now?

Here’s how to get started.

1. Get a tool. This can be a piece of paper you seal in an envelope or you can even schedule it through some email providers for a future date (I recommend setting it for 6 months or a year from now).

Start with kindness. Begin the letter with something warm, like, “Dear Future Me, I really hope you’re doing well.” Acknowledge where you are right now, honestly but without judgment. For example: “Right now, things feel pretty tough. I’m struggling with…”
Describe the future you hope for. This is the most important part. Be specific. Don’t just say, “I hope you’re more confident.” What does that look like? What does it feel like?
- “I hope you’re finally taking that pottery class you’ve been dreaming about.”
- “I hope you’re not afraid to speak up in meetings anymore.”
- “I hope you remember that it’s okay to say ‘no’ and that you’re doing it without feeling guilty.”
- “I hope you’re laughing more.”
Sign off with encouragement. End the letter like you would to a dear friend. “Even if you’re still not where you want to be now, I’m rooting for you. You’ve got this.”

Writing this letter does two magical things. First, it forces you to articulate a positive vision for your future. Second, when that letter arrives in your inbox or you open that envelope months later, it will be a powerful testament to how far you’ve come.

How to Feel Secure After a Breakup or Rough Patch

There’s a special kind of confidence crash that comes from a broken heart or a relationship on the rocks. It can feel deeply personal. It can make you question your judgment, your lovability, and your entire sense of self.

Here’s where you can start.

Become a Boundary-Setting Apprentice

Boundaries are the invisible lines you draw around yourself that teach others how to treat you, and more importantly, remind you of what you need to feel safe.

If you’re post-breakup: Your boundaries are your shield right now. This is your permission to mute or block an ex on social media so you’re not constantly reopening the wound. It’s saying a “Graceful No” to mutual friends who push for details you’re not ready to share. It’s about fiercely protecting your peace while you heal.
If you’re in a relationship: A rough patch often happens when boundaries get blurry. It’s time to practice communicating them. It can be as simple as, “I feel overwhelmed when we discuss finances late at night. Can we plan to talk about it on Saturday morning instead?”

Boundaries aren’t easy—especially if you’re new to them. Read our guide for the full breakdown: How to Set Boundaries: 11 Ways to Draw the Line Politely

Learn to Speak Your Needs Fluently

We often expect our partners to be mind-readers, and then feel resentful when they can’t. A huge step in rebuilding relationship confidence is learning to identify your own needs and then articulate them clearly and kindly.

Instead of hoping they’ll figure it out, try a simple formula: “I feel X when Y happens, and what I need is Z.”

“I feel disconnected when we’re both on our phones in the evening. What I need is for us to have 20 minutes of screen-free time together.”
“I feel anxious when you don’t text back for hours. What I need is just a quick ‘busy day, talk later’ so I know you’re okay.”

Remember, being clear is being kind to yourself! Learn how to speak your mind here: 22 Tips to Be More Articulate and Speak More Clearly

Start Dating Yourself Again

Somewhere in a relationship, we can sometimes lose the parts of ourselves that aren’t tied to being a “partner.” It’s time to reconnect with the most important person in your life: you.

Whether you’re newly single or in a long-term relationship, intentionally carve out time to do things that you love, by yourself. Rejoin that pottery class, go on that solo hike, or become a “Competence Collector” in a field that has nothing to do with your partner’s interests.

Ultimately, your worth is not determined by your relationship status. True, lasting confidence comes from knowing that no matter what happens, you are a whole person, fully capable of creating a life that you love.

And if you want to become the best you, look no further: 20 Steps to Become the Best Version of Yourself in 2025

FAQs (Frequently Asked Questions) on Regaining Confidence

How can I get my confidence back?

To get your confidence back, start by focusing on small, achievable goals to build momentum and a sense of accomplishment. Practice positive self-talk to challenge negative thoughts, and invest time in activities you’re good at and enjoy. Prioritizing physical well-being through exercise, proper nutrition, and adequate sleep also provides a strong foundation for rebuilding your inner strength.

How do I get my self confidence back?

You can get your self confidence back by stepping outside of your comfort zone in manageable ways and celebrating those small victories. Reconnect with your core values and what is truly important to you, as living authentically builds a deep sense of self-assurance. It’s also helpful to set firm boundaries in your interactions to protect your energy and reinforce your self-worth.

How can I get my confidence back after a breakup?

To get your confidence back after a breakup, it is essential to give yourself time to heal and rediscover your individual identity. Reinvest in personal hobbies, friendships, and goals that were solely your own. Focusing on self-care and reflecting on your strengths and positive qualities can help you rebuild your sense of self and see your value outside of the previous relationship.

How do I get my confidence back in a relationship?

You can get your confidence back in a relationship through open and honest communication with your partner about your feelings and insecurities. Work on re-establishing your independence within the partnership by nurturing your own interests and friendships. True confidence comes from within, so focus on your self-worth independently of your partner’s validation, which in turn will create a healthier dynamic between you.

Rebuilding Your Spark

Losing confidence after a setback like a breakup, work failure, or personal struggle is a universal experience, but it’s not permanent. Keep in mind these tips:

Unfollow Confidence Vampires: Curate your social media to eliminate accounts that make you feel inadequate, fostering a more positive mental environment.
Practice Self-Compassion: Talk to yourself like a supportive friend to counter harsh inner criticism, using Dr. Kristin Neff’s self-compassion principles.
Master Tiny Skills: Learn and teach small, achievable skills to prove your competence and boost self-esteem.
Set Boundaries: Protect your energy by practicing a “Graceful No” and setting clear boundaries, especially after a breakup or in relationships.
Celebrate Small Wins: Use “Mental High-Fives” and a “What Was Good?” journal to focus on daily positives, rewiring your brain for optimism.
Find Joyful Movement: Engage in physical activities you enjoy to release mood-boosting chemicals and reinforce a sense of capability.
Articulate Needs: Build relationship confidence by clearly expressing your needs using the “I feel X when Y happens, and I need Z” formula.

Ready to take the next step in your self-improvement journey? Dive into our guide: 20 Steps to Become the Best Version of Yourself in 2025