The 5 Flirting Styles: Which One Do You Speak?

You’re at a coffee shop. Someone catches your eye, smiles, and asks about the book you’re reading. They laugh at your mediocre joke, touch your arm briefly, then wave goodbye.

Were they flirting? Or just being friendly?

If you’re not sure, you’re in good company. Research from the University of Kansas found that people correctly detect when someone is flirting with them only 28% of the time. That means nearly three out of four flirtatious signals fly right over our heads.

The problem isn’t that you’re bad at reading people. The problem is that flirting isn’t one language—it’s five different dialects. And when a “Physical” flirt tries to signal interest to a “Polite” flirt, the message gets lost in translation.

Why You Keep Missing the Signs

Dr. Jeffrey Hall, a professor of communication studies at the University of Kansas, has spent over a decade studying how humans signal romantic interest. His research reveals a frustrating paradox: we’re excellent at knowing when someone is not interested (over 80% accurate), but terrible at recognizing when they are.

In Hall’s study of 104 strangers paired for brief conversations, men detected flirting correctly 36% of the time. Women? Only 18%.

If you think someone is not interested in you, you’re probably right. But if someone is interested, there’s a 3-in-4 chance you missed the signal entirely.

Why such a massive blind spot? Hall points to three factors:

1. Flirting is intentionally ambiguous. People cloak their interest to protect themselves from rejection. If a flirtatious comment lands badly, they can retreat to “I was just being friendly.”

2. Flirting looks identical to friendliness. Smiling, laughing, asking questions—these behaviors signal both romantic interest and basic politeness. Most people default to the safer interpretation.

3. You never learn you missed it. Unlike other social skills, failed flirt detection comes with no feedback. The person you didn’t notice interested in you simply… walks away.

But here’s what Hall discovered that changes everything: the reason signals get missed isn’t random. It’s systematic. People flirt in five distinct styles, and mismatches between styles create communication breakdowns.

The 5 Flirting Styles

Hall’s research, based on surveys of over 5,000 adults and published in the journal Communication Quarterly, identified five distinct approaches to signaling romantic interest. Most people have one dominant style, though you likely use elements of several.

1. The Physical Flirt

The Body Language Expert

Physical flirts communicate interest through touch, proximity, and nonverbal signals rather than words. They lean in. They find reasons to make contact—a hand on your arm, a playful shoulder bump. Their eye contact lingers a beat longer than necessary.

What it looks like: Imagine someone who, within five minutes of meeting you, has already touched your forearm twice, positioned themselves so close you can smell their shampoo, and is making the kind of eye contact that makes you forget what you were saying.

The Superpower: Clarity. Physical flirts leave little room for ambiguity. If they’re interested, you know it. Hall’s research found this style correlates with relationships that develop quickly and report high sexual chemistry.

The Kryptonite: Coming on too strong. Physical flirting can be misread as aggressive or purely sexual, even when the person wants something meaningful. A Sincere or Polite flirt on the receiving end might feel overwhelmed and pull back.

Best for: Fast chemistry, clear signals, environments where conversation is difficult (loud bars, concerts).

2. The Sincere Flirt

The Emotional Connector

This is the most common style overall, and particularly favored by women. Sincere flirts prioritize building an authentic emotional bond before any physical escalation. They want to know the real you—your dreams, your fears, your story.

What it looks like: The person who asks follow-up questions about the thing you mentioned casually 20 minutes ago. Who remembers details. Who shares something vulnerable about themselves and creates space for you to do the same.

The Superpower: Depth. Sincere flirting builds the foundation for meaningful long-term relationships. Hall’s research found this style strongly correlates with lasting partnerships because it establishes friendship and trust first.

The Kryptonite: The friend zone. Because Sincere flirting lacks overt sexual energy, it’s frequently mistaken for “just being nice.” These flirts also struggle in loud environments where deep conversation is impossible.

Best for: Long-term relationships, people who value emotional connection, quiet venues where real conversation can happen.

3. The Playful Flirt

The Game Player

For Playful flirts, flirting itself is the reward. They enjoy the banter, the witty exchange, the ego boost of knowing they can charm someone—often without any intention of pursuing a relationship.

What it looks like: The person who teases you, challenges you, keeps you guessing. They’re fun and magnetic, but there’s always a question mark: Are they actually interested, or is this just entertainment?

The Superpower: Low stakes. Because Playful flirts don’t take rejection personally, they’re fearless about initiating. This makes them excellent at breaking the ice and starting conversations others wouldn’t dare attempt.

The Kryptonite: Credibility. When a Playful flirt actually does want something real, they may not be taken seriously. And the people they flirt with casually may develop feelings that the Playful flirt never intended to encourage.

Best for: Casual dating, breaking the ice, short-term connections, people who enjoy the game more than the outcome.

The reason flirting signals get missed isn’t random—it’s systematic. People flirt in five distinct styles, and mismatches between styles create communication breakdowns.

4. The Polite Flirt

The Cautious Gentleman/Lady

Polite flirts are governed by manners and social norms above all else. They’re terrified of making someone uncomfortable, misreading signals, or being perceived as “creepy.” So they err dramatically on the side of caution.

What it looks like: Respectful distance. No touching. No innuendo. Even, measured tones. Compliments that are so appropriate they could be said to a coworker in front of HR. Essentially, their flirting looks exactly like polite conversation.

The Superpower: Safety. Polite flirts rarely make others feel harassed or uncomfortable. Hall’s research links this style to people who value long-term commitment and proper courtship.

The Kryptonite: Invisibility. This is the hardest flirting style to detect—by far. Because Polite flirting is indistinguishable from basic friendliness, romantic interest is frequently missed entirely. Hall’s research shows this style leads to the “friend zone” more than any other.

Best for: Conservative dating contexts, people who prioritize respect over speed, situations where caution is warranted.

5. The Traditional Flirt

The Old-School Romantic

Traditional flirts follow historical gender scripts: men pursue, women signal and wait. There are clear rules about who texts first, who pays, and who makes the move.

What it looks like:

• Traditional men: Ask for the number. Plan the date. Open the door. Make the first move—but only after careful courtship.
• Traditional women: Act demure. Use subtle cues (eye contact, positioning) to invite approach. Wait to be pursued.

The Superpower: Clear rules. If both people subscribe to this style, there’s no confusion about “who should text whom.” The script is written.

The Kryptonite: Passivity. Traditional women often struggle to get attention because they wait to be pursued rather than initiating. Traditional men may wait so long to make a move that the window closes. And when a Traditional woman meets a Polite man, both wait indefinitely for the other to act.

Best for: Partners who share traditional values, people who prefer structured courtship, contexts where gender roles are expected.

The 5 Styles at a Glance

Style	Core Approach	Superpower	Kryptonite	Best For
Physical	Body language & touch	Clear signals, fast chemistry	Can seem aggressive or purely sexual	Quick connections, loud environments
Sincere	Emotional connection	Deep rapport, lasting bonds	Friend zone risk	Long-term relationships
Playful	Fun & banter	Low stakes, great ice-breaker	May not be taken seriously	Casual dating, short-term
Polite	Manners & caution	Safe, respectful	Often invisible	Conservative courtship
Traditional	Gender roles	Clear script	Passivity, missed windows	Partners with traditional values

Which Style Are You? A Quick Self-Assessment

Read each statement and note which sounds most like you:

Statement A: “I don’t need to say I like someone—they can tell by how I look at them and how close I stand.”

Statement B: “I want to really know someone. I ask about their life, their dreams, their fears—even on a first date.”

Statement C: “Flirting is just fun! I flirt with the barista, the bartender, everyone. It doesn’t mean I want to date them.”

Statement D: “I’m very careful not to cross lines. I’d rather miss a chance than make someone feel awkward.”

Statement E: “I believe there’s a natural order to dating. The interested party should make the first move.”

Your dominant style:

• Mostly A → Physical
• Mostly B → Sincere
• Mostly C → Playful
• Mostly D → Polite
• Mostly E → Traditional

Most people identify with two or three styles, but one usually dominates. The key insight isn’t labeling yourself—it’s recognizing that the person you’re interested in might speak a completely different dialect.

The Gender Factor

While all five styles appear in both men and women, Hall’s research found clear patterns:

Women are statistically more likely to identify with Traditional and Sincere styles. This creates a specific challenge: Traditional women who wait to be pursued may miss connections with cautious men who are waiting for a clear green light.

Men score slightly higher on Playful flirting. But the style that causes men the most trouble is Polite. Men who use this style are the most likely to be friend-zoned—their fear of appearing “creepy” makes them so respectful that women assume they simply aren’t interested.

The universal winner? Both men and women respond well to Sincere flirting. It bridges the gap between showing clear interest (like Physical) while maintaining safety and respect (like Polite).

Which Styles Actually Work?

Hall’s research correlated flirting styles with real dating outcomes:

Most overall dating success: Physical, Sincere, and Playful flirts have the most active dating lives. They put themselves out there more, leading to more opportunities.

Fastest relationship development: Physical and Sincere styles move from stranger to partner most quickly. Both effectively communicate “I’m interested in you.”

Short-term connections: Playful and Physical flirts are more likely to have casual relationships or friends-with-benefits arrangements.

Long-term relationships: Sincere and Traditional flirts are strongly linked to lasting, meaningful partnerships. They prioritize knowing the person over the thrill of attraction.

Most struggle in early dating: Polite and Traditional styles report the most difficulty getting relationships started. Their cautious nature means opportunities pass them by.

Both men and women respond well to Sincere flirting. It bridges the gap between showing clear interest while maintaining safety and respect.

How to Hack Your Flirting Style

Understanding your style is step one. Adapting it for better results is step two.

If You’re a Physical Flirt: Pump the Brakes

The problem: You move fast, which can overwhelm Sincere or Polite types who think you’re only interested in something physical.

The fix: Force yourself to have a 15-minute conversation without touching. Use your natural confidence to ask deeper questions (borrowing from the Sincere playbook). Show you’re interested in who they are, not just the chemistry.

Script to try: “I’m really enjoying talking to you. Tell me more about [thing they mentioned].”

If You’re a Sincere Flirt: Add Some Spark

The problem: Your emotional depth is an asset, but without some physical or playful energy, you risk the friend zone.

The fix: After building rapport, add one clear signal that your interest is romantic, not platonic. This could be a compliment that’s slightly more personal, brief touch, or direct statement of interest.

Script to try: “I have to say, I really enjoy spending time with you. This feels different from most conversations I have.”

If You’re a Playful Flirt: Get Real for a Moment

The problem: You’re stuck in entertainment mode. People can’t tell when you actually mean it.

The fix: When you genuinely like someone, consciously drop the jokes for 30 seconds. Offer one sincere compliment without the sarcastic safety net. It signals: “I’m fun, but I’m also real.”

Script to try: “Okay, I’m being serious for a second—I actually really like talking to you. That’s not a bit.”

If You’re a Polite Flirt: State Your Intent

The problem: You’re invisible. Your flirting is indistinguishable from basic friendliness.

The fix: Since you’re uncomfortable with touch (Physical) or teasing (Playful), use your words explicitly. A direct statement removes ambiguity without requiring you to act out of character. Accept that some risk is necessary.

Script to try: “I’ve really enjoyed getting to know you, and I’d love to take you to dinner sometime—like, a real date.”

If You’re a Traditional Flirt: Make a Move (or Give a Clear Signal)

The problem: You’re waiting for the other person to follow the script, but they might not know their lines.

The fix:

• If you’re waiting to be pursued: Give unmistakable signals that you’re interested. Sustained eye contact, positioning yourself near them, or even a direct “I’d love it if you asked me out” removes ambiguity.
• If you’re waiting to pursue: Shorten your timeline. The “proper” amount of waiting might mean someone else acts first.

Script to try: “I’m having a great time with you. Just so you know, I’d definitely say yes if you wanted to do this again.”

The 5 Flirting Styles Takeaway

1. You’re not bad at flirting—you’re speaking a different dialect. Recognizing that five distinct styles exist helps you decode signals you might otherwise miss.

2. Take the self-assessment seriously. Knowing your dominant style reveals both your strengths and your blind spots.

3. Match your approach to your goal. Physical and Playful work for short-term chemistry; Sincere and Traditional build lasting relationships.

4. Watch for style mismatches. A Polite flirt pursuing a Traditional flirt creates a stalemate where no one acts. Awareness prevents missed connections.

5. Borrow from other styles strategically. Physical flirts can add depth by asking Sincere-style questions. Polite flirts can borrow directness from Physical flirts. The best flirts are multilingual.

6. When in doubt, go Sincere. It’s the one style that works across the board—showing genuine interest while maintaining respect.

The next time someone smiles at you and asks about your book, you’ll have a better framework for answering the question: friendly, or flirting? And more importantly, you’ll know how to respond in a language they actually understand.