Authentic Self: 22 Ways to Live Genuinely & Be Real

Embrace your true self with three simple steps to authenticity. No more acting fake—here is your opportunity to be yourself genuinely.

Just be yourself.

Don’t pretend to be something you’re not.

Be genuine.

Try to be more authentic.

But, really folks. What does authenticity really mean? Am I the only one who struggles with this question?

Am I the only one who has a small authenticity crisis whenever someone tells me to “just be myself?”

What Does it Mean to be Authentic?

Here is the official definition of authenticity: The quality of being genuine, real, or true to one’s own personality, spirit, or character.

Having an authentic self means loving who you are and not changing for anyone.

It’s a lot easier said than done, though! Here’s a personal example of my own battles with authenticity:

I am having a blogger identity crisis.

Every time I sit down to write something for the Science of People, I fight two opposing forces. Good and Evil.

Good: Create content that people LOVE.

Evil: Write click-baity headlines that leave me feeling dirty.

Good: Make it easy for your readers, be on every platform.

Evil: Be a social media addict—use every network that was ever created.

Good: Be relentlessly helpful.

Evil: Avoid Internet silence at all costs—post constantly, all the time.

Good: Be authentic.

Evil: Be popular.

I constantly face the challenge of trying to put out amazing content in a non-annoying way, while also trying to build a successful business and meet everyone’s needs. This same challenge happens in person when you show up at an event trying to be genuine, but also wanting to drum up business. Is it possible to…

• Give an elevator pitch without pitching?
• Sell without feeling like a salesman?
• Talk about yourself without sounding self-centered?

This was the biggest question I faced when writing my book Captivate. When I sat down in the Fall of 2015 to draft the book, I struggled with all of these questions and more. Then I realized this wasn’t just about the book:

In the world of online dating, LinkedIn super-networks and fierce job market competition, we constantly are walking the tightrope of authenticity, while trying to avoid falling into the abyss of obscurity. Every business book, social media conference and Internet expert is telling you to sell, sell, sell—but in an authentic way. We are playing a balancing act between being relevant and accessible versus obsequious and annoying.

I call this the Authenticity Crisis.

We hate obscurity:

• Not getting enough likes.
• People not remembering our name after having met.
• Not getting enough subscribers.
• People not wanting to know us at a party.
• People not wanting to work with us.
• Not getting the job.
• Not getting enough book sales.

And we desperately crave being relevant:

• Liked by our followers.
• Appealing to potential clients.
• Relevant to potential readers.
• Attractive to potential daters.
• Impressive to our bosses.
• Desired by our spouses.

But at any moment, if we are not authentic enough, we risk falling into the fiery flames of inauthenticity hell.

Before we post we ask ourselves an endless number of questions:

• Is it good enough? Is it interesting? Will people like this?

OR

• Is this too much? Is this a humble brag? Should I tone it down? Am I posting too much?

When we go to an event we worry:

• Am I impressive enough? How can I win friends and influence people? Will people like me?

OR

• Did I talk too much? Did I talk too little? Did I sound braggy?

On a date or during a meeting we fret:

• Will they see me as a good match? What do they want to hear? How can I show off without being a show-off?

OR

• Do they think I am self-centered? Did I showcase my best self? What do they think of me?

This is what it’s like walking the authenticity tight rope. And it sucks.

So, here I was, writing a book for a major publisher, grappling with this authenticity crisis. How could I write about myself and my work and not talk about myself too much? How could I stay relevant while still making it all about the reader? Here are some guiding principles I developed and learned along the way as I was writing.

Before we get into the tips, it’s possible you might have a nagging worry right about now: will being more authentic make me less likable? How do I please others while staying true to myself? If that’s a concern for you, check out our training course for exactly that:

22 Tips to Find Your True Self & Live Genuinely

Go There with Vulnerability

There’s a difference between sharing and oversharing. When writing about my fears, I first wrote about cute quirks—reading vintage anthropology books and eating pizza backwards. My editor pushed me to go deeper: I get nervous hives in social situations. I struggle in loud rooms. Now that’s real vulnerability.

I embraced this for real in my TEDx Talk by starting with my most vulnerable share.

I am a recovering awkward person!

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Takeaway: Share something genuine that helps others feel less alone.

Honor Your Energy Levels

I used to think I had to be “on” all the time at events. Now I honor my natural energy rhythm. Sometimes I’m the life of the party, sometimes I’m the quiet observer in the corner. Both are perfectly authentic versions of me.

 Just like a real battery, our social energy can be:

• Charged (feeling energized and ready to engage)
• Depleting (gradually becoming drained during social interactions)
• Depleted (feeling exhausted and needing to recharge through alone time)

This is particularly relevant for ambiverts. Ambiverts can be highly social and outgoing in some situations, yet also need quiet time to recharge. They often experience fluctuating energy levels where they might be the “life of the party” one day and prefer quiet observation the next.

Takeaway: Allow yourself to shift between different energy levels instead of forcing one persona.

Assume Intimacy

Don’t wait for closeness to develop—assume it’s already there. When I was writing my book Captivate, I struggled with this until my husband suggested: “Imagine you’re writing an email to a future friend.” That’s when I wrote: “Hi, my name is Vanessa, and I’m a recovering awkward person.” Perfect!

Takeaway: Talk to strangers like they’re already friends. Treat that first date like it’s your third. See your interviewer as an existing colleague.

The Opposite of Obscurity Isn’t Fame

My editor gave me golden advice: Don’t write for everyone. When you try to appeal to everyone, you end up reaching no one. I’d rather be deeply relevant to 1,000 people than vaguely interesting to 100,000.

Takeaway: Find your people and speak directly to them. Don’t water yourself down trying to please everyone.

Own Your Quirks

You know that weird thing you do? That’s your superpower! I sometimes snort when I laugh—and you know what? It makes other people laugh too!

Takeaway: Stop hiding your unique traits. Your quirks make you memorable and relatable.

Give Real Responses

When someone asks “How are you?” instead of the automatic “fine,” try something genuine but appropriate: “Actually, I’m excited about a project I just started!”

Takeaway: Replace automatic responses with genuine ones, even in casual conversations.

Reframe Your Language

Instead of saying “I should” (which usually means I’m trying to please others), I say “I choose to.” Instead of “I have to network,” I say “I get to meet interesting people.” This tiny language shift helps me stay true to my intentions.

Instead of saying “I have to” say “I get to” and find a reason that makes your next step meaningful.

Takeaway: Change your language to reflect your authentic choices rather than external pressures.

Take Time to Think

Here’s something that terrified me at first: When someone asks me a question, I actually take a moment to think before responding. gasp Yes, I let the silence hang! But you know what? This tiny pause helps me give genuine answers instead of automatic ones.

Takeaway: Don’t rush to fill the silence. Give yourself permission to think before you speak.

Balance Truth with Kindness

When I need to give feedback or disagree with someone, I use what I call the Truth Sandwich: Start with something genuine and positive, share your honest concern, and end with a constructive suggestion. It helps me stay authentic while being kind.

Takeaway: Structure difficult conversations to balance honesty with empathy.

Set Clear Boundaries

I have a confession: I don’t pick up phone calls unless they’re scheduled.

Some people think this is weird, but it’s how I maintain my focus and energy. Your boundaries might look different, but they should feel true to you.

Takeaway: Set boundaries that align with your needs, even if they seem unusual to others.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?app=desktop&v=G5MDEcHJ25w

Share Your Human Side

Beyond my professional bio, I have what I call my “Real Resume”—things like “Takes way too many pictures of my dog” and “Can’t remember movie plots.” Sharing these human moments actually helps people connect with me more than my achievements do.

Here are some more examples:

• Always has at least three half-empty coffee mugs on the desk by end of day, despite best intentions to stay organized
• Has mastered the art of looking thoughtful while frantically Googling terms during meetings
• Saves important emails as “drafts” as a to-do list, currently at 147 drafts and counting
• Still gets genuinely excited when free lunch is announced, regardless of seniority level
• Has a carefully curated collection of “emergency” snacks hidden in the desk drawer
• Consistently overestimates how many tasks can fit into a single day, yet remains optimistically unrealistic

Takeaway: Share your human side alongside your professional accomplishments.

Post Like You Talk

Before posting on social media, I ask myself: “Would I say this to a friend over coffee?” If the answer is no, I don’t post it. Simple but effective!

Takeaway: Apply real-world social standards to your online presence.

Learn to Say No

Instead of making up excuses, I’ve learned to say “Thank you for thinking of me. I need to decline.” It feels scary at first, but people actually respect this directness more than elaborate explanations.

Takeaway: Make your “no” clear and kind without feeling obligated to explain.

Know Your Values

I identified my four core values (for me: curiosity, kindness, growth, and fun), and I use them as a filter for decisions. Does this opportunity align with at least one of my core four? If not, it’s probably not for me.

Takeaway: Define your essential values and use them to guide your choices.

Tell Real Stories

Instead of trying to impress people with achievements, I share small, genuine stories from my day. Like how I celebrated finishing a tough project by dancing in my client’s office—only to realize the window washer was right outside! These real moments create better connections than any polished story.

Takeaway: Look for authentic moments in your daily life that others can relate to and share them.

Admit Uncertainty

When I’m feeling uncertain, I’ll admit it by saying things like: “I’m not sure about this, but…” or “I’m still figuring this out…” These phrases give me permission to be imperfect and often encourage others to open up too.

Takeaway: Give yourself permission to be a work in progress and watch how it helps others do the same.

Find Your Reminders

These are small physical reminders of who you really are. I wear my grandmother’s ring when I need to feel grounded in my values. Find your own anchors—maybe it’s a specific piece of jewelry, a photo on your desk, or even a particular scent.

Takeaway: Create physical reminders that help you stay connected to your authentic self.

Set Meaningful Goals

Instead of setting goals based on others’ expectations, I frame my goals around how I can impact others. For example, rather than “become a better public speaker,” my goal is “share stories that help others feel less alone.” See the difference?

Takeaway: Frame your goals around authentic growth rather than external expectations.

Check In With Yourself

During conversations, I do quick internal check-ins: Does my face match my feelings? Am I nodding along when I actually disagree? This helps me stay aligned with my true thoughts and feelings.

Takeaway: Regularly check if your external actions match your internal feelings.

Measure Your Truth

On a scale from 1-10, how authentic am I being right now? I actually ask myself this throughout the day. If I’m below a 7, I know I need to adjust something.

Takeaway: Measure your authenticity regularly and make adjustments when needed.

Disagree Respectfully

When I feel pressured to agree with someone, I use what I call the “Yeah, No” technique: “Yeah, I see what you’re saying, but no, that doesn’t work for me.” It acknowledges their perspective while staying true to mine.

Takeaway: Learn to disagree respectfully while maintaining your authentic position.

Use Music as Your Guide

This might sound silly, but I keep a playlist of songs that make me feel most like myself. When I’m about to enter a situation where I might feel pressured to be someone I’m not, I listen to my “True Me” playlist.

Takeaway: Find external triggers that help you reconnect with your authentic self.

Frequently Asked Questions (FAQs) About Being Authentic

What is your authentic self?

Your authentic self is the most genuine version of who you are, without pretense or artificial behaviors. It encompasses your core values, natural personality traits, and honest thoughts and feelings, rather than who you think you should be based on others’ expectations. Think of it as your truest nature when you’re most comfortable and at ease.

How can I find my true self?

To find your true self, start by identifying your core values and what genuinely matters to you. Begin with self-reflection through journaling, mindfulness, or meditation. Take note of moments when you feel most comfortable and energized versus when you feel drained or fake. The key is paying attention to activities and people that make you feel most aligned with your values and natural inclinations.

How do you live genuinely?

Living genuinely involves making choices that align with your values, being honest in your relationships, and expressing your authentic thoughts and feelings appropriately. A genuine life means setting healthy boundaries, saying no when needed, and choosing activities and relationships that reflect your true interests rather than following others’ expectations. Most importantly, it means staying true to your word and acting consistently with your beliefs.

What does it mean to be real with people?

Being real with people means expressing honest thoughts and feelings while maintaining appropriate boundaries. Instead of presenting a perfect image, share genuine experiences and acknowledge when you don’t know something. True connection comes from allowing yourself to be vulnerable when appropriate and expressing your authentic perspective, even when it differs from others.

Why is it hard to be authentic?

Being authentic challenges us because we fear rejection and judgment from others. Social pressure to conform, professional expectations, and past negative experiences can make it feel safer to wear a mask. Many people struggle with authenticity because they want to be liked by everyone or fear the consequences of showing their true selves. Cultural and societal expectations often conflict with our authentic desires.

How do I know if I’m being authentic?

You’re likely being authentic when your words and actions align with your values. Authentic behavior feels energizing rather than draining after social interactions. You can express disagreement respectfully and feel comfortable saying “I don’t know” or admitting mistakes. Your responses come naturally without needing extensive rehearsal or overthinking.

What are the benefits of being your true self?

Being your true self creates stronger, more meaningful relationships and reduces anxiety and stress. People who live authentically report increased self-confidence and make better decisions aligned with their values. Authentic living leads to improved mental health, more genuine connections with others, and greater satisfaction in both personal and professional life.

How do I stay authentic at work?

Maintaining authenticity at work requires setting clear professional boundaries while sharing appropriate personal insights. Express your opinions constructively and align your work with your values when possible. Be honest about your capabilities and maintain integrity in difficult situations. Focus on building genuine professional relationships while respecting workplace norms.

Can you be too authentic?

Yes, authenticity requires balance with social awareness and appropriate boundaries. Healthy authenticity means being genuine while still considering others’ feelings and maintaining professional standards. Think of it as finding the sweet spot between being real and being respectful. The goal is to express your true self in ways that build connections rather than damage relationships.

How to Start Living Your Authentic Self Today

Real authenticity grows from small, honest moments. Pick one technique that resonates with you and practice it this week. (I started with ‘Assume Intimacy’ and still use it every time I meet someone new!)”Want more tips on keeping it real? Check out our guide here: Stay True to Yourself: 14 Tips for Embracing Your True Self.